Bill calls Fangtasia .

Ring, Ring......

Dead pan female voice answers , "Fangtasia... It's always a bloody good time..."

Bill: "Yes, this is William B. Compton calling ... for ..ahhh... Eric Northman"

Pam: "Oh, Bat Boy...( breathes deeply) it's Pam. Please tell me you're calling about Eric's Phone"

Bill: Well, Pamela, this is matter that is between me and your... ahhh ..Maker. So put Mr. Northman on"

Pam: "Well Man Bangs.. (applying lipstick)... he's not here. So you..ahh ahh.. get me. Where's his phone?"

Bill: "I shall call later then"

Pam" No, you're gonna deal with me now. When Eric is out, I'm in charge. Where's his phone, Tight Pants?"

Bill: " I do not wish for your tone, Pamela. May I remind you.... I am * counting on his fingers and toes*....64.3 years older than you are and ..."

Pam: "Blah, Blah, shut the fuck up, Bleeeeh... Look I'm not afraid of you. You may be "older" but one kick to your little bat balls and you'll hit the floor like a drunken sorority girl. Now for the last time, where is Eric's phone?"

Bill: " Ahhhh.. I have it.. but I wish to present it to Eric myself. Mr. Northman and I have some business to discuss , "Mano a Mano".. You being a woman would not..."

Pam: "Would not what? Understand? Listen you fucking Edward Cullen wanna be... you're not EVEN worthy of licking my $3000 Gucci Boots. So... Don't you even go there!"

Bill:"Oh, Pamela, I believe I may have found your... ahhhh.. (giggling) weak spot... You see Pamela..."

Pam: "And who the hell do you think you are..... calling me, Pamela? No one and I mean NO One calls me Pamela'

Bill: "Oh, have I angered you, my dear...."

Pam: "Look asshole, you have an hour... oh, wait, you can't fly like Eric... let's make it 2 hours to get in that pretentious yuppie piece of shit BMW of yours and bring me that phone. You got it , Bleeeeeh???"

Bill: "No"

Pam: "Bat Boy, you're making this hard on yourself. I have a wooden bullet and a spray can of silver with your name on it"

Bill: "Where's Eric?"

Pam: "Out"

Bill: "Where, if I may ask?"

Pam: "Are you into S&M?"

Bill: "Excuse me?"

Pam: "Because you must like pain... if you really need to know... he and Sookie are on a double date"

Bill: (gasping)... that is most unusual... Sookie always wanted to double date with Tara and Sam or Jason and whatever slut he was banging... but neither cared to join us.... hmmm"

Pam: "Well that doesn't seem to be an issue with Eric. They're over at the Edgington's. Talbot's took a few cooking courses at the community college and wanted to have them over. It's like... their ... (smiling).. married..."

Bill: "Yes, Talbot and Russell are committed in marriage... it's been 700 years and all..."

Pam: "No, asshole, I'm talking about  Eric and Sookie. Now time is a wasting... bring me that phone"

Bill:" Alright... ( sighing a bit ) ... I wonder if Talbot made those yummy chum balls with the O neagative... the are so ....

Pam: "Focus Bill.... phone....NOW"

Click

Bill: "Bitch"

Bill Answering machine message #4

Beep.........

"Hey, Bat Boy...It's Eric.....I want my phone back "

Bill's answering machine continues.........Message #3

Message #2:
 Beep........................

" Bill....It's Lorena ......ah, your maker....Why haven't you returned any of my calls....Okay, yeah, I'll try later......I love you my bloody southern fried grit.......

Bill calls Starbuck's customer service line......

Ring, Ring.......

Cheerful voice answers: "Hello and thank you for calling Starbucks Customer Service, Summer Rain speaking".

Bill: "Yes, Miss Rain this William H. Compton and I would like to speak with someone about my "True Blood Latte"".

Summer: "Certainly Mr. Compton, what can I do for you?"

Bill: "Well Miss Rain..."

Summer: "Summer , please.."

Bill: "Ah yes, Summer" (sounding a bit excited)..."Yesterday at your Establishment in Bon Temps , La. I order a....

Summer" I'm sorry Mr. Compton, which location?"

Bill: "Bon Temps"

Summer: "Yes, but which one? There are 4 in that town alone"

Bill: "Grace oh mighty.... 4? But Bon Temps only has 1500 people living there".

Summer: "Mr. Compton, a 5th one is scheduled to be opened in this fall inside a Piggly Wiggly"

Bill: "Oh, dear.... well you certainly can't stop progress. I remember when the indoor plumbing came into vogue........"

Summer: "Excuse me?"

Bill: "I'm sorry.... I'm Vampire"

Summer: "Oh, yeah True Blood Latte..right..what was that location again?"

Bill: "Ah, yes, on the corner of Spring Street and 4th"

Summer: "Got it , okay, so what was the concern with your latte"

Bill: "As I previously stated.. I'm vampire.."

Summer: "Yeah, I got that ... go on.."

Bill: "I prefer my True Blood latte to be half Type O negative and Half AB positive, extra hot. Well yesterday I was told that this would no longer be an option. I pleaded my case with your baristta, a fellow with a large numbers of tattoos and saucer like disks in his ears... as well your store manager, who seems to be about 15 years of age. Unlike that insipid Pam....( grunts)....who has trouble telling people's true age..(grunts again).....I have no trouble knowing someone's age. Well I can only say that I was not successful. Much like my civil war experience.....(sighing)"

Summer: "Well Mr. Compton, let me begin by saying how sorry I am that your experience was not a pleasant one...I do mean at Starbucks, though....Second, there really is no reason why this request could not be met"

Bill: "Yes, Summer I appreciate your most sincere apology. I must tell you that because I'm vampire, it was very difficult to keep my fangs to myself. It is very stressful, I must say"

Summer: "Well Mr. Compton, let me contact that location and explain to them this is a request can be be done. Plus I would love to be able to send you a gift card for your next visit. So if I could get your address, I can get these out to you in the mail"

Bill: "Now Summer that would be most delightful. My address is 1 Grey Sky Drive , Bon Temp, la 70000"

Summer: "Alright, I'll have those out to you this afternoon. Is there anything else I could help you with?"

Bill: "Well as matter of fact, I would like to pass on some suggestions to you,(giggling a bit) if I may?"

Summer " Yeah, of course"

Bill: " Since I'm vampire, I can not enjoy your delectable drinks and pastry like our human friends..ah.."

Summer: "Delectable treats?"

Bill: "I was thinking when you serve your True Blood latte, you should , ah, offer a shot of chum or human blood, like a shot of expersso, they way the humans enjoy".

Summer: "Expersso? Do you mean espresso? "

Bill: (laughing) "oh, pardon Moi.... Italian was not a language I mastered. Yes, espresso , my dear"

Summer "Chum shot? Human Blood? Really? "

Bill" Oh yes, that would be dele......... (breathing a bit heavy) Oh, yes, delectable.... indeed"

Summer: "Okay, Mr. Compton I will pass on your information to the correct department. Thank you for your call"

Bill: "Oh yes, Summer... it was (gasping a bit)... a delight my dear..."

**Click. Hang up**

Summer: "Freak"

Bill's answering machine part 2

Beep........

"Mr. Compton, this is Billy Mac calling from Lafontaine Parrish BMW. We have that estimate you requested for repairs on your 328i. Not sure where to start. Just the blood stains alone..whoa.... plus did you have a pack of wolves in this car? I really think we need to set up a time to discuss the extensive repairs that would need to be done, just to get this car back on the road. Also I looked into that tracking system that you wanted set up. Yeah, my boss tells me that's..... kinda border line creepy. Plus we would need Miss... hang on.. Stackhouse's permission. We're open till 9pm tonight. Our number is 555-1256."

Bill Compton's answering machine.......

** Please think of Bill's voice as a cross between Fog Horn Leg Horn and James Carville**

Ring, Ring, Ring..... "Ah, Hello, greetings and salutations, you have reached the ancestral home of William R. Compton. My apologizes that I am unavailable to except your most important call. If you would be so kind to leave me a brief but detailed message after the tone. I would be most honored to return your phone call...." beep......

Caller: "Yeah, Mr. Compton, this is Lola at Sunny Delight Cleaners. Your pants are ready for pick up. We got the excess blood stains and cat urine out. However our seamstress was not able to make the pants any tighter at this time. It appears the material hasn't been made since about the mid-1970's.If she were to rip it , we would not be able to replace your item. Also we can deliver your item after dark but that will be an extra $3.99 charge. Oh, please remember that we do NOT except confederate money. We ask that you NOT tip our driver with that funny money again. Our number again is 555-1636."

Welcome

If your finding this blog, welcome. I'm just getting started, so please be patient. If your dislike for True Blood's "Bill Compton" has brought you here, I like you already.  I hope to provide you, the readers with some laughs as I begin to write my fan fiction... at "Bill's" expense of course.,