Part 6 Bill's Makeover

Lafayette and Tara are the first arrive at Bill Compton's, ancestral home. Lafayette's reaction as they pull up to driveway is one of disgust. "Damn, Sookie must have seriously been hard up..... because there is no way in hell that my fine ass would have stepped foot in that shit hole" he announces . Tara giggles, " Look who woke up on the bitch side of the bed". They unload Lafayette's trunk of "wardrobe treasures" and walk up to the door. " This motherfucker better be cooperative.....because I don't have time for bullshit", Lafayette says, as he rings the bell. Jessica answers the door , "Hey Y'all..come on in".

Bill is sitting on the red couch, his legs crossed and he's reading a Fodder's Travel Book on Peru. Bill sees Jessica letting Tara and Lafayette in. Bill cringes and realizes that this makeover is happening. Why can't Jessica just let him be. For nearly 170 years Bill has been just fine. His favorite shades of brown and gray, along with his tight pants have always suited him well. Bill thinks to himself, "I'll just be a polite southern gentlemen and listen to their advice. Then after they leave I shall return to my old ways". "Yes, yes", he nods. His man bangs flying back and forth. "That is what I shall do".

" Bill?", Jessica calls out to him. Bill is nodding his head back in forth, smiling. Sort of day dreaming. "Bill! Some of our guests are here!" Jessica says scolding him. Bill snaps out of it. He stands up and walks towards Lafayette and Tara. Mumbling to himself, "Just one night. That's it".

Bill: " Welcome Lafayette and Tara" *smiling* " to my ancestral home."

Tara: "Thank you  Bill. You have..ah.....beautiful house."

Bill: " Thank you, Tara. It has been in the Compton family for centuries".

Lafayette: *eye balling Bill* : " Yeah well, it looks like it. Where can I put this trunk? You getting dressed in the living room?"

Bill: * gasping a bit* : " Ah no , sir. We have ladies here this evening...and we must act like gentlemen. No nudity". * smiling a bit*

Tara: " Bill, you being naked won't bother me. You've seen one dick, you've seen them all".

Lafayette: " Hooker, speak for ya self".

Just then the door bell rings. " Dammit!" Bill thinks to himself. Yup, it's Pam. As usual Pam looks like a  million dollar. Even though tonight, she's a bit dressed down. In jeans, Ked sneakers and a cute sweater from Ann Taylor, Pam looks awesome. Her hair is flowing and even Lafayette can't take his eyes off her. If there's one woman on this planet that Lala would fuck , it's Pam.

Lafayette: " Damn... Pam" * looking her up and down*  "You're looking FINE!"

Pam: * dead pan * "I know", * winks at Lala* , " Now.. where's America's Next Top Model?"

Bill is not happy that Pam has made a joke about him so early in the evening. He ignores her and offers everyone a drink.

Tara: " What do you have?"

Bill: " Fresca, Ginger Ale and of course True blood."

Jessica pipes in : "I have a fruit tray and some chips in the kitchen too" skipping into the kitchen as everyone follows, " And like, oh, Pam , Sookie brought me these blood clot cookies from Talbot. Their like so good." * Pulls them out of the fridge that Hoyt bought Jessica as a surprise a couple of month ago. Okay, let's be honest, Hoyt was sick of drinking warm soda.*

Pam: *smiles* : " Thanks kid" *takes a bite* " Oh, these are good".

Bill: * pouting a bit* " Sookie... gave those to you from Talbot?"

Jessica: " Yeah, she thought Pam would enjoy them."

Bill: * gabbing one of the tray* : " And what am I? Chop liver?" *Before Pam could answer he says* , "Never mind."

Pam: claps her hands once: "Okay, let's get this started before "Just for Men" here * Pointing to Bill* changes his mind".

Bill gasps : "Excuse me? What did you call me?"

Pam: * Taking a swig of her True Blood that Jessica just handed her* : "Bitch, Please... everybody knows you color your hair".

Lafayette * laughing * : " I thought that was a wig."

Bill is now pissed. This is not going well. Jessica starts to panic a bit. She looks at Pam, who has yet to lose her cool. "Damn" Jessica thinks, "I want to be  Pam when I grow up."

Bill:* Flashes his fangs and starts to shout* " I am Vampire! I could destroy all of you in a matter of minutes. I could eat you all alive."    

There is silence. Then there is a roar of laughter.

Pam * walk over to Bill*: "You are so uptight", *wipes the drool from his mouth with a napkin*, "Christ on a cracker, Bill. Lighten up. Tara got your camera ready?"

Tara * with cheese and fruit in her mouth* : 'Right here in my purse."

Bill frowns,  looks down at the floor. Pam starts to guide Bill by his shoulders, into the living room , while carrying a stool from the kitchen. Everyone else follows.  Pam places the stool down in the middle of the floor and point to Bill to sit. He winces a bit and sits down. " This really going to happen" he thinks to himself.

Jessica * hopping up and down* : " OH, MY GOD! Bill this is gonna be like soooo cool! Aren't you excited???"

Bill: * Dead pan* " No."

Pam: *leans over him and whispers in his right ear* : " Come on Bat Boy , relax. Think of me as your maker. Just shut up and do as I say."

What happens next... well it shocks Bill. He finds himself becoming aroused with Pam in such proximity. How could this be? Her perfume? Her flowing hair? Her whispered voice in his ear? This is going to be a long night for the pathetic Bill Compton.


**Part 7 later this week...............**

Bill's Makeover , Part 5

Jessica is pulling up to the drive way of Bill Compton's ancestral home. She has misfortune of having to live there. As Jessica parks her 1998 Toyota Camry, she notices Bill's BMW parked in front of her. "Dammit", she thinks. Jessica was hoping she would have a few hours alone before the makeover session. Bill had said something earlier in the week about going to see the circus in Shreveport. Apparently, during one of Bill and Loren's many "Breaks", he joined the circus. No, not as the guy who cleans up behind the elephants, which would have been a perfect job, but as a juggler.

Bill one night, in one of his "I feel like being a good maker" mood, broke out his circus balls and started juggling. Bill bore Jessica with stories such as, " You see then Mr. Barmun, himself, told me that I had a face for the circus". Jessica didn't have the heart to tell him, that was an insult.  "You see, my dear, my circus past is something that I didn't share with my darling Sookie. Not that I'm ashamed". Bill said smiling off into the distance. "I did do many good deeds, during my time. I deflowered the bearded lady . Poor thing, 59, and never had a man". He sighed as he told the story. " She was grateful for my services". This gave Jessica a full body shiver just thinking about it.

As Jessica unloaded the groceries, she realized that she had not used Bill's reusable shopping bags. "Shit", she thought, "I'm never gonna hear the end of this". Jessica let herself in the side door. She could hear Bill on his cell phone, " Yes, and how much for first class? " pause "Really? that seems like a lot. You folks at American Airlines *grunts* know we are in a recession?" Jessica laid the bags down on the counter and thought, " What a cheapskate". Bill was planning his trip to Peru. Sophie Ann, their Queen, had asked Bill to fly down there for some "research". Really, who knows what those two assholes are up too?

Just as Jessica had taken everything out of the plastic bags, Bill pipes up behind Jessica.

Bill: "Ah, my dear... are those plastic bags I see?"

Jessica * Not turning around* " Yeah, I forgot to grab the reusable one. Sorry."  *Turns around to face Bill. Give him a smile*

Bill: * Tilts his head and cracks his neck a bit*: "Now I could except your apology.. however, you know,who you need to apologize to is ? " *Nods* "That's right...  Mother Nature."

Jessica: * putting her hand together* " Okay, Al Gore....I get it."

Bill: * Moving his right index finger in a tisk, tisk motion* " Now it is this kind of attitude that has wrecked this planet... you see my dear.. because I'm vampire.... I remember what the world was like before these ..* picks up one of the bags in disgust* "plastic monsters entered our world."

Jessica: " Yeah, okay, look I forgot... I will make sure I recycle these bags at the store."

Bill: *putting his hands on her shoulders*: " The world is counting on you."

Jessica: " Yeah ,okay" *wiggles away from Bill* " I thought you were going to the circus? "

Bill: " Well, that was the plan... however.... our Queen had me working all day. " *picks up the fruit platter*" Ah, my dear, you realize as vampire... we do not eat fruit."

Jessica: " You remember the makeover is tonight?"

Bill: *Frowns and grunts* : 'Don't remind me. However, Pam doesn't eat this either... she is va..."

Jessica: " Yeah, I know.... vampire. Lafayette and Tara are coming too." * quickly walks out the kitchen*

Bill: * walking behind her* "Excuse me? "

Jessica: * gets to stairs and turns around* " Yeah, Lafayette is bring over clothes.  Tara is doing before and after pictures."

Bill: *Taping his right foot and  his hands on his waist* : " You and your "friend" Pam must think I'm ....some kind of Ken doll. "

Jessica: "Bill, if you looked like a Ken doll you'd be stylish with a bump where your penis is suppose to be." *Giggles*

Bill: "You think you're so funny? " *Frowning*

Jessica: * Raising her voice*" Trust me... you need this. You're driving me nuts! I need you start dating again. I want you out of the house more often."

Bill: " Now, now.... my child.... calm down.."

Jessica: * Her red pony tail flying around her face": Please for the love of all that is vampire... just shut up and let these people help you."

Bill: "Well technically... Pam is not a person.. because she is..."

Jessica: * Now screaming*: "Shut the fuck up! Listen this is how this is going to go down. I'm gonna go upstairs and change my clothes. You will sit on that couch and be quiet till they get here. Not a peep. Not a sound out of you. You will wear whatever Lafayette pulls out of his trunk. You will smile in any pictures Tara takes of you. And you will be polite and smile at whatever Pam says to you. And you will do whatever they tell you to do. Because after tonight I'm going to take anything that is brown and gray in your closet and I will light those up in a bonfire. You, got it?"

Bill is stunned. Never has a woman spoken to him like that. Jessica points to the red couch in the parlor and Bill goes and sits down.

Truly pathetic Bill Compton... getting served by a 17 year old. Even if she is.... Vampire.





  

Bill's Makeover Part 4: Pam visit Lafayette... This should be good.

It's Sunday night and Pam is making her usual rounds for her marker, Eric Northman. However, she takes a small detour to Bon Temps and to Merlotte's Bar. Pam tells herself that it's only for a moment that she'll have to deal with the vermin. Besides, she just there to chat with Lafayette.

Just touching the door handle on the front door is enough to make her reach into her Chanel handbag for Purel. Pam maybe a vampire and could rip the heads off any living creature on Earth. However , germs. Yeah, you might as well be silver. Pam steps into the bar looking like something out of the fall issue of Harper's Biazzre . Her Chanel bag matches her 2 piece vintage Chanel cream and pink color suit with  fabulous pink Christian Louboutin, 5 inch heels. She's wearing her hair in a twist and has on her Mikimoto Pearl set to complete the look. Yeah, your damn right. The real Queen of the Damned has arrived.

The first person to spot her is Arlene. "Oh hell, look what the cat dragged in", Arlene mumbles to herself. It's really out of pure jealously. Arlene is not what you would call stylish. Arlene hair is a shade of red that does not exist in nature. Her Lee Press on Nails are always getting lost in the potato salad. She's been married 4 times. Most recently was engaged to a serial killer. Though she does have two of the cutest kids ever. I would suggest that Arlene start saving some money for those kids shrink bills. Their gonna need it having Arlene as a Mama.

As Pam is scanning the room, every "Bubba" and "Redneck" in the place has stopped munching on their food to check out this lovely creature. Tara is manning the bar and looks up to see Pam. She waves her over. Before Pam sits down on one of the stools, she takes a napkin and wipes the seat.

Tara: "Pam, we do wipe the seats, you know?"

Pam: " Sorry, Tara, but it looks like the circus has stopped by for dinner. I'm not taking any chance".

Arlene walks over and injects her two cents. "Damn Vamp, I hope you got to hell".

Pam *turns around and giggles* : " You should buy stock in Kool-Aid".

Arlene * looking puzzled for a moment* : "Why?"

Pam * Tapping her nails on the bar* : "You use so much of passion punch on that hair of yours, I thought you might as well invest in the company".

At this point Tara is laughing out loud: "Oh, snap..."

Arlene * frowning* " Well... at least.. I'm breathing ..."

Pam * rolling her yes* : "Look "Walmart" I wouldn't even bother feeding off you, if you were the last human on earth".

Arlene stomps away. Tara offers Pam a True Blood.

Tara: "O, right?"

Pam * giving her the side eye* : "What do I look like to you? Compton? AB Negative, please".

Tara: "Ooh, fancy. Pardon me" * Handing Pam the True Blood* " You know Sookie's not here".

Pam: * Wiping the top of the bottle with a napkin* " Yeah, I know. I saw her at Eric's tonight. She worked the early shift".

Tara * Leaning over the bar* : "What does Sookie do over there?"

Pam: *taking a sip* : "Not bad. Hmm. Besides, having sex for hours?"

Tara: "Yeah."

Pam: " Usually catching up on the DVR. They like Survivor. Though I think it took Eric awhile to realize that at the end of the show, no one was going to be sacrificed. * takes another sip*,"You know about the Yoga lessons, right?"

Tara: "Yeah, I think it's an excuse, so they can work their way through the Kama Sutra".

Pam: " Yeah, they've done that already. I think they just want to be more flexible." *winks at Tara*

Tara: "Damn she's lucky. Sam always wants me to rub his belly when we get done".

Pam: * takes another sip*: " Yeah, that's a shifter for you".

Tara: "Okay, so why are you here? Not that I'm not enjoying yakking with you."

Pam: " I'm here to see your cousin."

Tara: " Lala, why?"

Pam: "I need his "Cover Girl" expertise"

Tara: "Does this have to do with Bill's makeover? You have got to let me come over. I'll do "Before and After" pictures".

Pam: "Fine. You're on".

Tara: " I'll get Lafayette".

Tara walks back into the kitchen and calls out to Lafayette through the pick up window.

Tara: " Hey, Lala, Someone is here to see you?"

LaFayette is in the middle of making his famous , "Bitch, this gonna rip you up gumbo". Lafayette is looking fabulous as usual. Purple silk head scarf, skin tight "7 for all Mankind Jeans" with an equally skin tight purple tank top. That unfortunately is being covered up with an apron.

Lafayette: "Unless it's Jesus, my boyfriend and the son of God, I'm not in the mood for people".

Tara: "It's Pam".

Lala drops his ladle. You can almost see a panic come over his beautiful face. He rushes over to the window. Starts to speak in a whisper.

Lafayette: " Tell her I'm not here".

Tara: *dead pan*: " Too late. She knows you're here".

Lafayette: " Motherfucker. Look I can not deal with her. That bitch scare the shit out of me. Don't let that pink fool you".

Suddenly, Pam appears at the window. " Come on Lala... let's go in the walk in freezer for old time sakes".

LaFayette looks at Pam and nods his head. "Watch my gumbo, Tara".

Inside the walk-in, Pam pulls out a Kleenex and lays it on a case of beers, then sits down. While Lala, stands up against the wall, freaking out... on the inside.

Pam: " Lafayette, calm down. This is a friendly visit.Look I need a favor".

Lala: "From me? It's not April Fool's Day, Hooker....I'm not in the mood".

Pam * smiling* " I can see why Sookie likes you. Look I'm not sure if Jessica has told you about me helping her with Bill Compton's makeover".

Lala: * Rolling his eyes* "I told that girl, she's wasting her time. I told her it would easier getting Andy laid than Bill. At least Andy leaves the house and his accent doesn't sound like Gomer Pyle".

Pam * smiling *" Yeah, well that's my thought. However, I do have a soft spot for baby vamp. So I agreed to help her".

Lala: "Wait, wait.... are you and Jessica friends?"

Pam: " Don't push it "Kiss of the Spider Woman". Look since still technically ....you owe me and Eric over that little V issue... you're coming over next week and you're going to help me".

Lala: * putting his hands up* "Hell no".

Pam: "Excuse me?"

Lala: "Look I'm pretty close to shitting in my pants... and these bitches cost me a fortune... However, helping Bill does not seem like something I feel like doing. I know I have an attitude.. but I hate that man."

Pam: " Shh... Look you come over with your trunk of clothes and help me dress Bat Boy and .. well... we'll be even".

Lala is now speechless.

Pam: "Cat got your tongue? We gotta deal... Fryboy?"

Lala: " Yes, ma'am".

Pam gets up and starts to head out the door of the walk-in. Just then Lala calls out to here.

Lala: " By the way, girlfriend.. I gotta say.. You're looking fierce tonight".

Pam * smiles* : "You like , huh? Vintage except for the shoes, bitch".

Lala: " I will say you are one sexy vamp".

Pam: * gets right in Lala's face*: " Are you flirting with me?"

Lala: *smiles* " Maybe I am".

Pam: "Don't tease Lafayette, I may turn you".

Lala: " Into a Vamp?"

Pam: * Touching his face* " Straight "

Then clicks her heels and heads out the door.