Bill's makeover.. Part 3.. Eric's take on the whole thing...

It's Halloween night at Fantasia. Pam is in the office going through the "Lost & Found" bin. Some tourist  called in a panic from their hotel room. They may have left their cell phone in the bathroom. Lucky for the tourist, Ginger had taken their call. She is as sweet as pie and as cute as a kitten. However, smart was not a word you would use to describe Ginger. After taking the message, she walked across the floor, over to where Pam was stationed. Pam was looking as sexy as ever. Black leather "Cat Woman" style jumper with some bad ass black boots and a whip to match. Her hair was up in a high ponytail and her makeup was very "Sophia Loren" circa 1968. Ginger in her very whiny, high pitch southern accent ( think Jessica Simpson) taps Pam on the shoulder. "Hey, Pam, this lady called she might have left her phone here". Pam giving her the side eye, "Yeah and ?". "Well, I thought you could look in Lost & Found." Pam taking the note from Ginger's fingers, " Next time tell them to fuck off". Ginger as usual wasn't sure if Pam was being facetious ( yeah, well that wouldn't be word Ginger would use). "Well, you and Eric told me to be nice, cuz them folks * pointing to the tourists* are paying my salary.. I'm". Pam clicked her fingers, "Geesh, Ginger..never mind. Go back to the bar. Stand there and look pretty".

So now we find Pam going through the "Lost & Found" bin.

Pam: * to herself* "There is not enough Purell in the world...."

Just then Eric comes in.

Eric: 'Why would you put your hands in that box? Don't we just tell the vermin to
 fuck off when they call crying for their crap?"

Pam: *Looks up at her maker* "Yeah, well guess who took the call?"

Eric: *grinning* "Oh, Ginger... She needs to stop being so nice".

Pam: "Yeah, well good luck with that".

Eric: *sitting down on the couch* " Now, what is this I hear you're giving Compton a make-over?"

Pam: " Before you get your red undies in a twist.. I'm doing it as a favor to Baby Vamp".

Eric: "Jessica? Why?"

Pam: "Look.." * throwing the box on the floor* " She did us a HUGE favor while you were on vacation with Sookie. Jessica came in and worked that Nan Flanagan party. "

Eric: "That fucking Flanagan... I hate that bitch. * Popping his knuckles* " So your helping her with Compton? Have you ingested silver?'

Pam: *Wiping her hands with a moist towelette* " Look she's a nice kid".

Eric starting laughing

Pam: "I'm serious, Eric. She is really sweet. Plus I can't believe I'm gonna say this... I think we may be friends now".

Eric: * Now is laughing even harder* : " Pam, Pam... This is so "Lifetime Movie" of you"

Pam: * Making a face* : "Go ahead laugh. Fine. Jessica is my friend. Besides...Bill is driving her nuts. He never goes out. He doesn't even lurk around Sookie's driveway anymore".

Eric: * Looking serious*: "He better not".

Pam: " Well between playing Wii, watching Oprah and then having Franklin over..."

Eric: " Franklin? Ugh. That guy is creepy. I happen to be 850 years older than Franklin and even he creeps me out ".

Pam: " See , you get it?Anyway....Jessica needs Man Bangs out of the house and out of her hair. So she's basically trying to get him a girlfriend".

Eric: * laughing* "I would start by buying him some new clothes. Gray and Brown seem to be his favorite colors. When I think about it... his colors are as boring as he is."

Pam: "So you're okay with this?"

Eric: " Yeah, of course. I thought I'd give you a hard time. "

Pam smiles at her maker. Eric stands to rise and head back out to the bar. Then turns around and says:

Eric: "Oh, and make sure you explain to Bat Boy that he needs to stop coloring his hair  If he doesn't shave, his beard will still be gray and the top of that mop will be shoe polish black."

Pam: *Her eyes are open extra wide" " He dyes his hair? "

Eric: *grins* "Yeah, Sookie told me. She also told me he sucks his thumb after sex."

Pam: "No way."

Eric giving Pam a look that says "I'm not kidding".

Pam: "He's more pathetic than I thought."

Bill's makeover... well maybe...part 2...

Jessica comes home from a trip to T-Mobile. She knows that Bill "does not like to type with the numbers". Being the kind hearted vamp that she is. Jessica picked up a Blackberry for her maker.  Jessica finds Bill once again on his red couch,watching Oprah on the DVR. Yeah, he needs a girlfriend.

Jessica: "Hey, Bill. Watching Oprah again?"

Bill: " Ah, yes, my dear. Once again Ms. Winfrey has touched my non-beating heart". *Pauses the DVR*

Jessica: *sitting down next to him*: "What is the show about today?"

Bill: *clears his throat* "Apparently Oprah and her best friend Gayle have traveled to Peru and they have documented their travels for us.... her dear viewers".

Jessica: * playing with her hair* " Yeah, well, Oprah is in her last year, so she's going out with a bang".

Bill: * turning to Jessica with a look of disbelief* "Last , what? "

Jessica: "Yeah, Bill she's done in May, I think."

Bill: "You must be jesting?"

Jessica: " No, I'm not. Beside, she's starting her own cable channel".

Bill: *Begins to mumble to himself* " Just like Sookie. Once again, my heart has been torn apart.."

Jessica: * giving him the side eye* "Ah... I have a something that will cheer you up".

Bill: "Unless you're telling me my daily dose of Ms. Winfrey will continue, I doubt it "

Jessica *Pulls out the phone out the shopping bag and hands it to Bill smiling* "Surprise!"

Bill: * Looking at the phone* " What is... is this a Blackberry?"

Jessica: "See now you won't have to type with the numbers!"

Bill: *tears fill his eyes*: "Oh, my child...you have made your maker happier than a pig in sh.... well never mind. I must not curse. You are a pure, innocent girl... virgin ears must not hear such words."

Jessica: " Pig in shit. You can say it. I work in a bar, remember? Plus I'm not that innocent. Hoyt and I have a LOT of sex. I mean a lot."

Bill: * Patting Jessica on the shoulder* : "Well, well... like that the kids say these days TMI. Right, okay."

Jessica: "Bill, you okay? You look a bit flush? And you've been dead 145 years."

Bill: *Wiping his face with his hands* "Oh, yes, yes. Anyway, again thank you for the phone."

Jessica "Oh" * raising her hands up* : "Before I forget. Tomorrow, Pam's coming over".

Bill: * Now looking likes he's going to throw up*: "Oh, why in the name of all that is holy.... is that vile harlot coming to my ancestral home?"

Jessica: "Look before, like you get all weird.. she's coming over to help me... give you ...like a make-over".

Bill: *eyes widen* "Why? I'm vampire. "

Jessica: " Yeah, Bill , you're vampire. So?"

Bill: *Giving Jessica a condescending look* "My dear... Vampires do not need makeovers. We're too cool for that".

Jessica *pauses *: "Ah... Bill you need one. "

Bill: "Excuse me?'

Jessica: * Takes a deep breathe* " You're so....lame. You're clothes are so tight. They're all brown. You have man bangs. Plus.... I know you use "Just for Men" on your hair".

Bill: " I, I, I ...  do not dye my hair. This all naturale".

Jessica: " Bill, the other day when Hoyt was looking for toilet paper, he looked under the sink in your bathroom and found the box of hair dye".

Bill: " Well, that's not mine..."

Jessica: " Bill...."

Bill: "Okay fine! It's mine! I've been going gray since I was 19. Before I was vampire. Please, please do not tell anyone. You see this look is my lively hood . You must not tell Pam. She will tell that maker of hers. I will be a source of amusement for those two." *mocking Pam's voice*  " Hey, Eric, guess what? Man bangs dyes his hair? Hehehhehe". *grunts* " I hate that woman".

Jessica: "Bill, chill. Look Pam's coming over . As a favor to me. She promised me she will behave. Please? I promise you.. with your new look.. you'll be procuring some new Chickie before you know it."

Bill: " Oh, alright. Fine. But the minute she calls me Bat Boy, She is out of here."

Jessica * smiling* " Awesome! This is gonna be fun. Okay, go back to Oprah."

Jessica starts to head upstairs, when Bill calls to her.

Bill: "Oh, my child. Before I forget. You realize we don't have toilet paper. As we are vampire... we do not defecate. So I'm assuming Hoyt was not able to use the bathroom. Correct?"

Jessica: "Ah, well... he really needed to go. So I told him to wipe himself with a towel".

Bill: " Please tell me... it was number 1..."

Jessica: " Number 1? Oh, you mean did he pee? No, he had had Taco Bell for lunch. Yeah....he took a massive shit. Yeah... I told him to use the towels in your bathroom. * pauses* Oh wait, did I wash those?"

Bill shaking his head, heads back to the couch. Well at least he still has Oprah.

Jessica calls Pam about giving Bill a makeover

Jessica being concern that her "maker" is spending his evening playing Wii and recycling his True Blood bottles. She decides that he needs a girlfriend. Now Jessica knows that his outdated clothes and man bangs will not get him laid. So she contacts the coolest person she knows.....Besides Eric.........her idol......  Pam.

Ring, Ring....

Pam: "Fangtasia, where sex with the dead meets the living...... unless of course... you're ugly as shit."

Jesscia: *giggles* "Hey, Pam , it's Jess."

Pam: " Hey girlfriend, what are you up to this crappy evening? Bill got you trimming his toes nails?"

Jessica: "Gross. Ah, no. But I am calling about Bill."

Pam: * Letting out a sigh* "I thought we were friends?"

Jessica: "Yeah, sorry, but I need your help."

Pam: *Perking up* : "Please tell me he met the sun and you need help getting rid of the ashes. That would be like Christmas morning... if I gave a shit about Christmas."

Jessica: "Sorry, Pam. Yeah, I wanted you to help me give Bill a make-over."

Silent pause. Then Pam starts laughing.

Pam: "Jess... You know Sookie's with Eric, right? "

Jessica: "Yeah, yeah... that ship has sailed. Besides, Bill vs Eric.... Yeah, that's easy. Cuz Bill is sooo not Eric. DUH!"

Pam: "No kidding. "

Jessica: * Playing with her hair* :" It's just that Bill is lonely. All he does is play Wii and his recycling. I ...mean like.. creepy Franklin comes over and stuff..."

Pam: * Cutting Jessica off*: "Franklin? Mott?"

Jessica: "You know him?"

Pam * doing a full body shiver*: "Yeah, there's a reason why I sleep with women now. The guy's a fucking freak."

Jessica: "OMG! I know! He asked me to give him a lap dance. Gross!"

Pam: * Getting a serious tone to her voice* : "Don't let that freak touch you! Figures Bleeh, likes to hang out with Franklin. Look Jess, I'm gonna use a line Jim Morrison once told me..."

Jessica * gasping* "Wait, you knew Jim Morrison?"

Pam: *smiling*: "Knew him? Honey, I fucked him left ways to side ways. Anyway, Jim told me "You can't soar like an eagle, when you fly with turkeys". He also told me my vagina was like nirvana and pink lemonade all at once."

Jessica: *sighing* " You are even cooler than Eric".

Pam: "I know. Don't tell him that. Deep down inside, he's all mush."

Jessica: "Wow."

Pam: " Look Jess, what did you have in mind for Bleeh? You know..... we could cut those man bangs and get him some pants that fit..... but we can't fix asshole."

Jessica: *whines* " But maybe he wouldn't be SUCH an asshole, if he had a girlfriend."

Pam:* Filing her nails*: "Have you forgotten about his relationship with Sookie? "

Jessica: "yeah, but I think he's willing to change. Right?"

Pam: " You keep living that fantasy."

Jessica: "Okay."

Pam: * sighing* "Look doll, let me think about it. You're lucky I like you".

Jessica * jumping up and down* : "You totally rule!"

Pam: " I know. I gotta go. Some hot burnette just came in an lavendar dress. That happens to be my favorite color."

Jessica: "Okay, cool. Later"

Pam: "Yeah, later..."

Click.

Bill hangs out with Franklin.

Bill invites his friend Franklin Mott over. A vampire who has a very sexy British accent and the fastest person undead or alive, you'll ever see texting. The evening entails True Blood and golf on Bill's Wii. Of course Franklin is bored to tears (because he's cool) and is trying desperately to get Bill out of the house.

Franklin: "Bloody hell! Let's get the fuck out here. I'm in desperate need of sex and some real blood".

Bill: * while putting it into the 8th hole @ Pebble Beach* " May I remind you Franklin, that you are enjoying a quality blend of True blood. Part Type O negative and Ab positive. It's very refreshing."

Franklin: *rolls his eyes* "Are you mad, man? This taste like crap. You've been mainstreaming too long".

Bill lets out a gasp as he misses the hole. ( Sounds like what Sookie put up with during their love making) . Bill stares at Franklin for a few moments.

Franklin: "I'm serious man. Come on. Let's go hit a few titty bars. I need some release".

Bill * laughing* : "Oh, dear friend. We're not young men anymore. That time has passed".

Franklin: " Speak for yourself. Have you been neutered? "

From the hallway , Jessica comes into the parlor. It's really a living room but that's what Bill calls it.

Jessica: "Franklin, he is so like NOT Eric. He is like some middle age cat lady with his Oprah and crappy throat music."

Franklin* now laughing* : "See "Ginger" here is right. You act like some old bird".

Bill now is annoyed. He gives Jessica a dirty look.

Bill: " Are you done with your nastiness?"

Jessica: " Ah.. not really".

Now Bill notices that Jessica is dressed  like what he would call a "Harlot". Mini skit, black boots, tight t-shirt and leather jacket.

Bill: "Please explain this outfit. you look like a ..."

Jessica: "Let me a guess? A harlot".

Franklin now is laughing so hard, he's has to sit down on Bill formerly flea infested couch.

Bill: *gunts* " I can not permit you to leave this residence in such an outfit"

Jessica * let's out a sigh* : "I have to work tonight ".

Franklin: " Please tell me your dancing somewhere now. Daddy's got a pocket full of ones burning a hole in his pants". * Winks at her*

Jessica* Looking at Franklin* "YUCK! "

Bill: " Where are you going?"

Jessica: " I'm helping at Fangtasia tonight. Pam called to see if I wanted to make some extra cash and wait some tables. They have a private party. That Nan Flanagan is having her 375th birthday there tonight".

Bill: * Now the wheels in his pea brain are slowly moving* "Perhaps.... you should let me drive you to Shreveport".

Jessica: " No. Sookie isn't going to be there. Eric took her to Sweden on vacation.Besides.... I have someone giving me a ride".

Bill: "Oh. *grunts* Of course he did".

Franklin: "Oh geesh, Bill.... * waving his arms* you gotta get over Sookie".

Bill: "Never! She is mine!"

Franklin: "Ah no....she's not. Face the facts Bill. Viking wins. Bigger wallet, better looking, bigger dick plus he can fly. If I was a chick.... I'd fuck him too".

Bill:*stares at Franklin* " Who's driving you?"

Jessica: "Tara"

Bill: *grunts* "That crazy woman!!!! I can't permit this!!!!!!! She's bonkers!!!!"

Franklin: *gets up walks towards Jessica* " Who's Tara?"

Bill: " She's Sookie oldest friend and the craziest person alive".

Franklin: "OOOh, I'm intrigued"

Jessica: "She's helping at the bar tonight as well "

Ding dong , door bell rings.

Jessica opens the door, let's Tara in.

Jessica: "Hey! Let me grab my purse".

Tara: " Cool"

Tara sees Bill. They exchange glances.

Tara: "Well, well... motherfucker".

Bill: "Tara, you're as charming as ever".

Tara: " Who's your friend?"

Franklin smiles at Tara.

Franklin: "Hello, darling... My name is Franklin Mott".

Tara * looks him up and down*  " Hi *dryly* What are you doing hang out with Man bangs?"

Bill grunts and turns his back to her - "Vile witch"

Franklin * laughing* " Man Bangs? Ooo.. I like that.* winks at Bill* I've known Bill for centuries. Are you Sookie's bestie?"

Tara: "Yeah"

Franklin *smiling* - "I must say you're much prettier".

Bill *gasping* - "Tara is vile creature. She can not be compare to the miracle that is Sookie".

Tara: " Motherfucker, you need to shut up before I make sure your ass meets the sun".

Franklin *laughing*- "Oh Tara, I have never been so turned on in my life".

Tara *Eye balling Franklin* - "Well Jessica and I need to go. Nice to meet you Franklin. "

Jesscia: " Bill, I'll be back before dawn. Bye Franklin".

Franklin: " Yeah, see ya ladies... Oh and Tara, I'll be calling on you soon".

Tara smiles at Franklin. The ladies walk out.

Franklin hits Bill on the shoulder.

Franklin: "What the bloody hell is wrong with you?!?!"

Bill: "What?"

Franklin "That Tara is a fucking perfect. Mmmm. I'd love to give her..."

Bill: "Enough. I need to finish my game".

Franklin: " I'm beginning to think those tight pants are cutting off the oxygen to your brain".

Bill ignores Franklin.

Franklin * Let's out a deep breath" - "Where's your phone book, mate?"

Bill" Why?"

Franklin: " I need a hooker and a pizza".

Bill has fleas.

As Bill sits on his red couch to watch another episode of "Oprah", he can feel something biting his skin. At first he ignores it, much like his maker duties. However, it becomes so uncomfortable, he has to pause the show. "Damn" he thinks to himself. Dr. Oz was on explaining premature ejactualtion and it pecked his interest. (Yeah, that's for another blog entry, my darling viking fans).

Any who, Bill calls out to his "child" Jessica, who is upstairs in her room. Unlike, Bill, she actually mainstreams. She has a job as a server at Merlotte's, as well as a boyfriend. And unlike Bill and his former flame , Sookie,  Jess' BF actually loves her. Jess doesn't have to lie and feed Hoyt her blood to keep him around.

Bill: *grunts* "Ah, Jessica, my child, can you come down her , please"

Jessica: * who just worked an 8 hour shift and just wants to relax with a People magazine* "What?!"

Bill: "I need to show you something, my dear, most urgently..."

Jessica: "Fine, I'll be right there" *as she's getting up, she says to herself* "What now Bill? Let me guess, I you can't find your Kenny G. CD and you think I have it. I so need to move out. This fucker annoys me more than Arlene on her period".

When she gets downstairs,Bill is on his knees, sniffing the couch. Jessica thinks to herself, "Where is Pam and her sarcastic remarks when I need them".

Jessica: "What are you doing?"

Bill: "Ah... my dear... I believe we have ... fleas. Has that dastardly Sam Merlotte been in this house?"

Jessica: " No, why?"

Standing up and giving Jessica a smirk and a head shake

Bill: "You see, I'm vampire. Sam is a shifter. And you see... Sam shifts into a dog."

Jessica: "So? and besides, Bill, everyone knows your "vampire". Like, you don't let anyone forget. Besides, your as pale as the moon and you're as cold as a block of ice. Duh, like I think he's dead." * mocking him *, " I'm vampire. I'm mainstreaming. Soooookie, is mine". * starts laughing at Bill*

Bill: *grunts* " Ah, I see what we have here. *giggling* I believe it is called, "Teen Angst". I know all about this. I too enjoy a good episode of "Gossip Girl" here and there. So your mockery of me , does not effect me."

Jessica rolls her eyes at Bill.

Bill: "So... my dear has Sam been here?'

Jessica: *staring Bill with disgust* " Ah, no."

Bill: * now grunts and pacing the floor* " Then.... where did these fleas come from? I can not bare to live with these pesky creatures. My face and my body are my lively hood."

Jessica: * Now trying not to laugh at him* " Like, you're losing your mind. Don't you remember who was here just two days ago?"

Bill now is silent.... as the Rolodex in his peas size brain tries to remember who was at his ancestral home this week.

Jessica : "Look Grandpa.... remember? Alcide was just here remodeling the office ".

Bill: * breathes deeply" "Yes, and so what?"

Jesscia: " He's a WERE , you dummy! * Bill stares at her blanky* " He turns into a WOLF ".

Bill : "And ?"

Jessica : * let's out a sigh* " Never mind, Bill. Just go up to Piggly Wiggly and get a bug bomb. You can set it off , when we  turn in before dawn. The fleas will be dead when we wake up".

Bill: " Well, I suppose you're correct" *grunts*

Jessica: "Are we done? "

Bill: "Yes."

Jessica stomps up the stairs,  mumbles to herself, "I have got to move out".

Bill calls Sookie......Yeah, like that's a good idea.

Bill is doing an inventory of his home library. Yeah, he's that lame that on a Saturday night, he's arranging his books in alphabetic order.  He realizes as he gets to his self help books, he's missing a couple of titles. Hmmmm. This will be his excuse to contact Sookie.

Ring, Ring,

*giggling can be heard as her phone is being answered. Then a male voice is pretending to be Sookie answers the phone*

?: "Hellooooo....."

Bill: "Ah.. Sookie, my dear it's William L. Compton"

? : "Que?"

Bill: "Oh, my apologizes... have I reached La Casa de Sookie Stackhouse?"

? : * more giggling* " Hey Bat Boy, it's Eric... you're such a dumb ass, hang on... "

Sookie: * Laughing very loudly* "Bill, what do you want?"

Bill: * grunts* "Sookie, I do not appreciate being used as a source of you and Mr. Northman's amusement."

* More giggling*

Eric: *coughs* "Pussy."

Sookie: " Look I told you not to contact me anymore. What do you want?"

Bill: " You truly like to hurt me don't you, Sookie?"

*Sookie moving her right hand in a jerk off motion. Eric is laughing even harder now*

Sookie: "Here we go again... Ah, Billy is the victim....... Wah, every one's against him, Wah... "

Eric- * coughs* "Loser".

Bill- * grunting* "Is he listening in? How dare he!!!"

Eric: *coughs* "Man bangs*

Sookie: " What do you want ? We're busy?"

* Eric points to the bathroom and mouths, "Shower time , Lover"*

Bill: * clears throat* " I was wondering if you had 2 of my books."

Sookie: * letting out a sigh* " You can't be serious? You called about books ?"

* At this point Eric is turning on the shower . The steam is starting to rise."

Bill:" Yes,  as I have explained to you before... since I'm vampire..."

*Sookie is now watching Eric undress... not listening to Bill*

Sookie: " Huh?"

Bill: "Are you listening to me?"

*Sookie now notices Eric is now totally naked. He turns around and winks at her*

Bill: "As I was saying I'm vampire...there was a time before TV and the Internet ....books were our gateway to the outside world... So my dear...books are so very important to..."

* Sookie cuts Bill off*

Sookie: " What books are you looking for Bill? Quickly!!!!"

Bill: " Well... you seem uninterested in our conversation... What could be more interesting than speaking with me?"

* Eric calls out to Sookie*

Eric: "Lover, where did you put the soap? Did we use up that last bar ?"

Sookie: "Ah, medicine cabinet... I'll be right there... "

Bill: "Sookie, you are being quite rude. I am speaking to you..... Hello, Sookie"

Sookie: " Look Bill, I need to go, so what are the books? "

Bill: "Well let's see... there is the Dr. Phil book ..hmmm...... Then "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"... let's see..."

*Eric calls from the bathroom*

Eric: *smiling* "Lover... A gracious plenty awaits you..."

Sookie: " Look Bill, I'll check my books, I HAVE TO GO!"

Bill: "Sookie , you sound like your in trouble. Do you need my assistance?"

Sookie: **starts laughing** " Fuck no... " as she's hanging up the phone.. "Eric, Your Lover's ready for her viking boat ride......"

Click.

Bill discovers Oprah... *eye roll*

As you know, Trubies, Bill is the world's worst "Maker".  After "turning" Jessica, Bat Boy dumps her at Eric and Pam's. Eventually, Eric returns Jessica to her maker. As Eric reminds Bill, 'There are favors, then there are favors".  So like any crappy "maker", Bill ignores Jessica. Of course now that Sookie has come to her senses and finally dumped Bill. There's not much for Bat Boy to do except for recycle and play golf on his Wii. Then he watches a very special episode of "Oprah" on his DVR. Jessica's gonna wish he NEVER did.

Jessica comes in before dawn , after spending the night with her boyfriend Hoyt. Bill is sitting on his couch, wiping his bloody croc tears from eyes.

Jessica: "Bill, you okay?"

Bill: "Yes, my child... *breathing deeply* Have you ever seen this "Oprah" show?"

Jessica: " Ahh, yeah, she's been on for ...like... forever..Did you just find out about this? I DVR it everyday."

Bill: *blowing his nose* "No, I just have never really watched it before... it's.. soo.. I can not find the words that describe how inspiring this woman is.. *tears roll down his face*..."

Jessica: "Yeah, she rocks, dude. She's like AWESOME! Plus she like rules the world. I'm not kidding.

Bill: " I just watched a weeks worth while you were out. I'm emotionally drained. * giggles* Drained. Get it?"

Jessica: "Yeah.. you're so lame."

Bill: *grunts a bit* " Well I know....I'm no Jack Benny... but I know that can deliver a pun with the best of them'.

Jessica "Who? "

Bill: * waving his hand* "Never mind"

Jessica: "Okay.. like goodnight Bill.."

Bill: "Ah, Jessica , may I have a word with you?"

Jessica: *rolling her eyes* "What?" *whining a bit

Bill: *patting sofa* "Please join me my dear... on the sofa."

Jessica : * looking at cell phone* "Okay, but I wanted to call Hoyt before bed."

Bill: * Looking puzzled* "But you just spent the evening with him"

Jessica: " And?"

Bill: " My dear, as your maker, I'm concerned that our bond is not as strong as it once was".

Jessica: * Looking at Bill with disgust* " Bill, like what are you talking about?"

Bill: "Well, my child I feel I have disappointed you.."

* Jessica puts her hand up to his face*

Jessica : "Look, we don't have a bond. You're like so lame. You turn me and then dump me with Pam and Eric. Which was like fun, but ... then I end up back here. With like your stupid rule about drinking only True Blood. By the way....that shit taste like Tuna Helper. "

Bill: " Look my dear.. I feel your anger... you see because I'm Vampire and your my child..."

*Jessica puts hand back up*

Jessica: "I know your a vampire dumb ass. Everybody knows your a "fucking vampire". And don't call me your child. Guess who taught me about drinking human blood ? Pam".

* Bill gasp*

Jessica: "That's right, Bill. She also told me how to get rid of the first guy I ever killed. Oh ,and she taught me about Spanx too...  ** smiles** "Pam .....sooo rocks!"

Bill: 'Well I'm deeply sorry ... * clearing his throat* "I have disappointed you as your maker."

Jessica: "Yeah, well..you should be".

Bill: *smiling a bit* "I would like to start anew with you. I'd like to become the maker that you, my child deserve."

Jessica: *smiling* "Yeah, sure, I guess... what do you have in mind?"

Bill: "Well Oprah has this thing called a "Book Club". I thought we might be able to start one together. "

Jessica- * rolling her eyes* - "You can't be serious?"

Bill: " Oh yes, my dear... Perhaps "Eat, Pray, Love" as our first book... have you heard of it?"

Jessica: *getting up off the couch* "Yeah, can we talk about this later? I need to call Hoyt".

Bill: " Well of course , my child..."

*Jessica walking up the stairs... Bill stands at the bottom of them*

Bill- " Well I look forward to continuing.. are .. ah.. talk... I look forward to our Maker, child bonding time... It will be..."

Jessica slams her bedroom door.

Bill calls Lorena

Bill calls Lorena the next evening to give her a piece of his mind. Yeah, sure Bill....

Ring, ring.....

A gentlemen in a proper British voice answers Lorena's phone: " Good evening, Krasiki Residence"

Bill: "Yes, Anthony , this is William S. Compton calling for Miss Krasiki"

Anthony (pauses) : "Oh, yes, William. Well Ms. Krasiki is unavailable at this time."

Bill: " Anthony, I don't have times for Miss Krasiki's game, I must speak to her most urgently."

Anthony: "William, may I remind you... your maker prefers the title of Ms. over Miss. To quote her, "Miss is so 1959. "

Bill:( Raising his voice) "Enough of these shenanigans , Anthony... I must speak with Lorena at once"

Anthony: "Hang on." (mumbles to himself) "Asshole"

After waiting a few minutes, Lorena comes to the phone.

Lorena: "This better be good Billy. I'm in the middle of  "Project Runway"."

Bill: "Lorena, I need to know why you sent me that Muffin Basket. Plus you left me some lovely dovey message on my answering machine."

Lorena: "What? I can't be nice? I should be pissed at you considering you twisted my neck the last time we hooked up. My chiropractor said you messed up my alignment."

Bill: " What is it that you desire from me at this time? Because quite frankly.... Lorena.... my Rolodex is quite full these days and my calendar is busting at the seams."

Lorena: "Who are you fooling? Number one, who the hell uses a Rolodex anymore? Those things went out with Monica Lewnisky jokes. Number 2, calendar busting at the seams? Yeah, sure. Like your pants."

Bill: " Now, now.... may I remind you ... that it was you who said my back side was made for tights pants."

Lorena: (laughing loudly)"Yeah, stupid......... in the 1970's."

Bill grunts into the phone. Lorena laughs for another minute.

Lorena: "Look Billy, I do want something..."

Bill: "I knew it! Your dastardly harlot! "

Lorena: "You are so 1867... Look I need to switch time share weeks."

Bill: "Our place in Anchorage? "

Lorena: "Yeah, I could use a vacation and the week of New Year's seems  perfect. The days are shorter. There are plenty of men and Mama could use a little fun."

Bill: "What if I have plans for New Year's?"

Lorena: "You can watch Dick Clark in Bon Temps."

Bill: "How dare you? You know I'm single at the present moment.... However, I know that I will not be alone on New Year's."

Lorena: (Playing with her hair and rolling her eyes) " Can I have the week or not?"

Bill: (Grunts) "Fine. "

Lorena : (Smiling) 'Thank you.... (blows a kiss).... My little southern fried grit."

Bill: "I hate it when you call me that."

Lorena: "No, you don't."

Click.

Bill receives a muffin basket

It appears that someone does love Bill Compton after all. Earlier today Bill receives a muffin basket. The note is very "mysterious" and of course Bill assumes ........and you know what they say when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me. So Bat Boy calls "Grammy Ellen's" muffins.

Ring ring...

"Hello and thank you for calling Grammy Ellen's Muffins. For English press one, for Espanol press two, for Ancient Vampire languages press three".   

He presses one, because of course.... he's MAINSTREAMING

A perky cheerleader type answers the call: "Thank you for calling Grammy Ellen's, this Debbie, how can I assist you?"

Bill: "Yes, Miss Debbie... This William M. Compton, I received one of your pastry baskets this fine evening".

Debbie: "Yes, Mr. Compton, I hope you're enjoying your basket"

Bill: "Well that is the issue. You see... ah.. Miss Debbie.. I'm Vampire and well we can not enjoy things like humans can, for instance ....... the dozen blueberry and cranberry muffins, that occupies this lovely...basket.. that looks like the baskets my mother use to weave.... Though this one appears to be made in China... hmmm"

Debbie: "Oh, that is a shame. We do have Vampire basket. I would be more than happy to rush you out another one".

Bill: "Ahhhh, yes... Debbie that would be.... most... delightful indeed"

Debbie: "Well we have our bloody clot collection that is our most popular. How does that sound?"

Bill: "Oh, Debbie it is as if... well you can read my mind... You're not part Fae are you?" 

Debbie: "Fae? No, I'm Irish"

Bill: " *laughing* You Debbie are such a card"

Debbie: "So I guess the Bloody Clot collection it is!"

Bill; "Oh, Debbie I do have another question... I must say... this one is a puzzle, I hope to solve... though .. *giggling* .. I believe.... I know the answer"

Debbie: "Your question?"

Bill: "Oh, yes... forgive me...I see that on the card it is simply signed, " If only..." Oh, Debbie I must know... who is this angel.. that sent me this sweet by useless gift".

Debbie: " Okay........ Compton? Your zip?"

Bill: "Oh, yes, my dear that would be 70000... I feel like a child on Christmas morning,,, awaiting that special gift.."

Debbie: "Okay, here it is... Oh, it's from someone named Lorena.."

Bill: "Dammit! That vile,abominable, detestable, horrendous harlot..."

Debbie: ** breathes in deeply**  "Soooo, this isn't who you thought it was?"

Bill: " You must understand , Miss Debbie, this woman... I do use that term loosely...  is my maker... because I'm Vampire...."

Debbie: ** rolling her eyes** "Maybe she's trying to be nice "

Bill: " I doubt that. She must be still be upset about that neck twisting.....*sighs* Well that's neither here nor there"

Debbie: "Well I'll send you that Clot basket out tomorrow. That should cheer you up"

Bill: "Oh, Debbie, you're most thoughtful. "

Debbie: "Glad I could help. Anything else I can do for you this evening?"

Bill: " Well.. *giggling* only if... *snickering* ... Oh, I must behave...."

Debbie: ** lifting a pad of paper that reads " I have a perv on the phone" and showing it to the person in the cubicle next to her** ......."Yeah, Goodnight, Mr. Compton"

Bill: "Yes .. *breathing heavily* ... yes, yes..... indeeeeee..........

Click...