Bill has fleas.

As Bill sits on his red couch to watch another episode of "Oprah", he can feel something biting his skin. At first he ignores it, much like his maker duties. However, it becomes so uncomfortable, he has to pause the show. "Damn" he thinks to himself. Dr. Oz was on explaining premature ejactualtion and it pecked his interest. (Yeah, that's for another blog entry, my darling viking fans).

Any who, Bill calls out to his "child" Jessica, who is upstairs in her room. Unlike, Bill, she actually mainstreams. She has a job as a server at Merlotte's, as well as a boyfriend. And unlike Bill and his former flame , Sookie,  Jess' BF actually loves her. Jess doesn't have to lie and feed Hoyt her blood to keep him around.

Bill: *grunts* "Ah, Jessica, my child, can you come down her , please"

Jessica: * who just worked an 8 hour shift and just wants to relax with a People magazine* "What?!"

Bill: "I need to show you something, my dear, most urgently..."

Jessica: "Fine, I'll be right there" *as she's getting up, she says to herself* "What now Bill? Let me guess, I you can't find your Kenny G. CD and you think I have it. I so need to move out. This fucker annoys me more than Arlene on her period".

When she gets downstairs,Bill is on his knees, sniffing the couch. Jessica thinks to herself, "Where is Pam and her sarcastic remarks when I need them".

Jessica: "What are you doing?"

Bill: "Ah... my dear... I believe we have ... fleas. Has that dastardly Sam Merlotte been in this house?"

Jessica: " No, why?"

Standing up and giving Jessica a smirk and a head shake

Bill: "You see, I'm vampire. Sam is a shifter. And you see... Sam shifts into a dog."

Jessica: "So? and besides, Bill, everyone knows your "vampire". Like, you don't let anyone forget. Besides, your as pale as the moon and you're as cold as a block of ice. Duh, like I think he's dead." * mocking him *, " I'm vampire. I'm mainstreaming. Soooookie, is mine". * starts laughing at Bill*

Bill: *grunts* " Ah, I see what we have here. *giggling* I believe it is called, "Teen Angst". I know all about this. I too enjoy a good episode of "Gossip Girl" here and there. So your mockery of me , does not effect me."

Jessica rolls her eyes at Bill.

Bill: "So... my dear has Sam been here?'

Jessica: *staring Bill with disgust* " Ah, no."

Bill: * now grunts and pacing the floor* " Then.... where did these fleas come from? I can not bare to live with these pesky creatures. My face and my body are my lively hood."

Jessica: * Now trying not to laugh at him* " Like, you're losing your mind. Don't you remember who was here just two days ago?"

Bill now is silent.... as the Rolodex in his peas size brain tries to remember who was at his ancestral home this week.

Jessica : "Look Grandpa.... remember? Alcide was just here remodeling the office ".

Bill: * breathes deeply" "Yes, and so what?"

Jesscia: " He's a WERE , you dummy! * Bill stares at her blanky* " He turns into a WOLF ".

Bill : "And ?"

Jessica : * let's out a sigh* " Never mind, Bill. Just go up to Piggly Wiggly and get a bug bomb. You can set it off , when we  turn in before dawn. The fleas will be dead when we wake up".

Bill: " Well, I suppose you're correct" *grunts*

Jessica: "Are we done? "

Bill: "Yes."

Jessica stomps up the stairs,  mumbles to herself, "I have got to move out".