As Bill stood in front of his full-length mirror, he wasn't sure what he hated more. His now shaved head or the suit Lafayette put him in. Lala had dressed him a dark gray, Hugo Boss suit. It wasn't ill-fitting like most of Bill's clothes, so this was a new experience for him. Change was not something that Bill Compton embraces. Bill could hear Pam, Jessica, Hoyt and Tara in the parlor playing his Wii. Apparently, Pam was quite skilled at his bowling game. To quote Tara, "Pam was moping the floor with Hoyt". Normally, Bill liked his women weak and needy. Bill enjoys having the upper hand. Sick, I know. Bill Compton is really a shrink's wet dream. However, Bill found Pam to be the exception. He found himself daydreaming of Pam putting him over her knee and spanking him. "Oh, Billy, you've been a bad, bad boy". Yeah, paging Dr. Freud.
Lafayette: *standing next to Bill* "So boyfriend, what do ya think?"
Bill: *grunting a bit*: " I must say Lafayatte... I hate what you've done to my hair."
Lafayette: " Yeah, you do look like an old ass Charlie Brown......However, you will be thanking me later. "
Bill: " Oh, really? How is that?"
Lafayette: " Look... your hair was super damaged from you dying it. You needed a fresh start. Besides, as you like to say ,* putting up his hands in a quoting movement* "I'm Vampire", your hair will be grown back in a week. I'm sure you'll have a Justin Beiber hair do before you know it."
Bill: " Who is this Beiber fellow?"
Lafayette: * throwing his hands up* : "You are the lamest motherfucker ever. So what about the suit?"
Bill: *Making a face*: "Well.... it's.... okay."
Lafayette : * raising his voice*: " Okay? Your civil war, country ass can't be serious? That's Hugo Fucking Boss , you have on!"
Bill: *Giving Lala the side eye* " Is that a friend of yours?"
Lafayette: * talking to himself* : " I swear to fucking God! This is what I get. No good deed goes unpunished."
Bill: " Look, Lafayette... I appreciate the suit but I'm not sure this is my style."
Lafayette: " Okay, what is your style? Hee Haw? Country Strong? What? Tell me, because that's a mother fucking $7500 suit on your vampire ass!"
Bill: * Looking stunned* : " What?!?!"
Lafayette: " Hell, I got that suit from an old boyfriend mine."
Bill: "You dated someone who could afford this kind of suit?"
Lafayette: " Don't look surprise, asshole. He was a senator. Besides, I'm giving it to you because that brings back too many bad memories."
Bill: * Feeling bad about being bratty*: "Well... thank you Lafayette. Your generosity is appreciated. I apologize for being so rude.* smiles* I'll wear this Huey Boss with pride."
Lafayette: " It's HUGO BOSS. And your welcome."
Lafayette starts to collect his things and starts cleaning up.
Bill: "Shall I show everyone how I look in this?"
Lafayette: " Go ahead."
Bill walks into the parlor and everyone but Pam turns around. Jessica let's out a yelp. She rushes over her maker and gives him hug.
Jessica: "Bill, you look so handsome!!!!"
Hoyt: " Look at you, Vampire Bill. So GQ."
Tara gives Bill a smile and a thumbs up. Pam meanwhile continues to play on the Wii.
Bill: " So Pam ... what is your verdict?"
Pam: * Still playing her video game, she gives Bill a quick glance*, " Well you look nice Bill. Now shut the fuck up while I play my game. "
Bill has never been so turned on.
Fan Fiction about True Blood's creepiest and most pathetic vampire, who happens to have no fashion sense what so ever.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Part 8, Bill's Makeover
Bill Compton sits on the stool with both his legs and arms crossed. Bill is staring at the floor in his parlor ,wondering to himself, how the hell did he allow his vampire "child", Jesscia, to talk him into this. Here's a vampire that has for nearly two decades had no problems getting what he wants. Well... that's not really true. He lied and cheated on Sookie and lost her to the ultimate vampire, Eric Northman. Yes, but before Sookie, he remembers getting lot's of action. Well that's not true either. Bill was in a monogamous relationship , well by vampire standards, for about a hundred years with Lorena. Maybe Bill's not the player he thinks he is. Just as Bill gets his "AH HA moment" ( yes, he's obsession with Oprah may have helped him after all), Hoyt is at the door with the electric clippers.
Jessica opens the front doors and welcomes her "bubba-boy", ( yeah, that's her nickname for him. I know, gag me), with kisses. Pam looks over at them and declares, " If I wanted to see The Notebook, I'd rent it. Can you two cut the crap and let's cut Bat Boy's hair already".
Hoyt and Jessica stop their kissing and walk into the parlor hand in hand. Handing the clippers to Pam who's finishing her text message to her maker, Eric. The text reads, " Hey Boss, I should taken you up on your offer and had you video taped this. We could have been a YouTube hit".
Hoyt: *smiling* " Hey y'all! Vampire Bill, having fun yet?"
Bill grunts and keep his eyes on the floor.
Lafayette: * giving Hoyt the side eye and in a dead pan voice* : " Yeah, it's like Christmas Morning around here"
Hoyt: " Yeah, well Lafayette this is so much better than what Mama had planned"
Lafayette:* smiling*" Let me guess, boyfriend, pork rinds for dinner and Hew Haw on TV?"
Hoyt: " I wish" *Tara holding the fruit tray up to Hoyt. He grabs a handful of grapes* " Thanks Tara...Anyway..... Yeah, Mama..... well... She's got an infected hang nail and wanted me to clean it."
Pam: *Looking up from her phone*: " Are you kidding?"
Hoyt: " No, ma'am." * stuffing his face* "Last week she wanted me to help her wax her bikini line but I said no"
Lafayette: * Shaking his head* " Why haven't you and Maxine been on Springer yet ?"
Bill let's out a sigh and a cough. Pam looks over at Tara and calls her over.
Pam: " Tara, I need to take pictures of Bill's hair before I shave it"
Tara: "Cool"* Walks over to Bill and starts taking pictures. Bill is not amused.
Tara: " Smile , Bill!"
Bill: " I'm not in the mood"
Tara: " Okay. Whatever. I just thought "Smiling Bill" better than "Frowning Bill"
Bill let's out a grunts. Tara rolls her eyes, takes a few more pictures and returns to the couch.
Tara: * Looks at Pam* : " He's yours now"
Bill: " Pamela, is this truly necessary?...." Pam snaps her fingers and cuts him off.
Pam: " Quit your bitching , Billy".
Suddenly Bill notices that Pam has small dimples on her cheeks. It's a something he's never noticed before.
Bill: " Ah, Pam are those dimples on your cheeks?"
Pam: " Yeah, why" * he notices her chest moving a bit when she spoke.
Bill: " Well their quite endearing"
Pam: " What the fuck are you talking about? " * calls Lafayette over* " Hey, Lala, let's get this party started"
Lafayette: " Hold on, Hooker... you're not shaving his head. I get this one"
Pam: "Excuse me? "
Lafayette: " Come baby girl, I deserve this "
Pam: * gets really close to his face, smiling* " So what do I get in return, if I let you do this?"
Bill notices Pam is just inches from Lafayette's face. Bill finds himself dreaming of what it would be like to be in Lafayette's place. Bill notices how Pam's jeans hug her body. "How is Northman not bedding this creature every night?" he thinks to himself. Bill just can't get his eyes off Pam.
Lafayette: " A spanking?"
Pam: * Giggles* " I like how you think" *Touches Lafayette's cheek* " Here you go Lala" * Hands him the clippers
Lafayette: * stands behind Bill* "Okay, Bill time for a fresh start. Ready?"
Bill is so distracted by Pam's ass, he doesn't notice the clumps of hair falling from his head.
Jessica opens the front doors and welcomes her "bubba-boy", ( yeah, that's her nickname for him. I know, gag me), with kisses. Pam looks over at them and declares, " If I wanted to see The Notebook, I'd rent it. Can you two cut the crap and let's cut Bat Boy's hair already".
Hoyt and Jessica stop their kissing and walk into the parlor hand in hand. Handing the clippers to Pam who's finishing her text message to her maker, Eric. The text reads, " Hey Boss, I should taken you up on your offer and had you video taped this. We could have been a YouTube hit".
Hoyt: *smiling* " Hey y'all! Vampire Bill, having fun yet?"
Bill grunts and keep his eyes on the floor.
Lafayette: * giving Hoyt the side eye and in a dead pan voice* : " Yeah, it's like Christmas Morning around here"
Hoyt: " Yeah, well Lafayette this is so much better than what Mama had planned"
Lafayette:* smiling*" Let me guess, boyfriend, pork rinds for dinner and Hew Haw on TV?"
Hoyt: " I wish" *Tara holding the fruit tray up to Hoyt. He grabs a handful of grapes* " Thanks Tara...Anyway..... Yeah, Mama..... well... She's got an infected hang nail and wanted me to clean it."
Pam: *Looking up from her phone*: " Are you kidding?"
Hoyt: " No, ma'am." * stuffing his face* "Last week she wanted me to help her wax her bikini line but I said no"
Lafayette: * Shaking his head* " Why haven't you and Maxine been on Springer yet ?"
Bill let's out a sigh and a cough. Pam looks over at Tara and calls her over.
Pam: " Tara, I need to take pictures of Bill's hair before I shave it"
Tara: "Cool"* Walks over to Bill and starts taking pictures. Bill is not amused.
Tara: " Smile , Bill!"
Bill: " I'm not in the mood"
Tara: " Okay. Whatever. I just thought "Smiling Bill" better than "Frowning Bill"
Bill let's out a grunts. Tara rolls her eyes, takes a few more pictures and returns to the couch.
Tara: * Looks at Pam* : " He's yours now"
Bill: " Pamela, is this truly necessary?...." Pam snaps her fingers and cuts him off.
Pam: " Quit your bitching , Billy".
Suddenly Bill notices that Pam has small dimples on her cheeks. It's a something he's never noticed before.
Bill: " Ah, Pam are those dimples on your cheeks?"
Pam: " Yeah, why" * he notices her chest moving a bit when she spoke.
Bill: " Well their quite endearing"
Pam: " What the fuck are you talking about? " * calls Lafayette over* " Hey, Lala, let's get this party started"
Lafayette: " Hold on, Hooker... you're not shaving his head. I get this one"
Pam: "Excuse me? "
Lafayette: " Come baby girl, I deserve this "
Pam: * gets really close to his face, smiling* " So what do I get in return, if I let you do this?"
Bill notices Pam is just inches from Lafayette's face. Bill finds himself dreaming of what it would be like to be in Lafayette's place. Bill notices how Pam's jeans hug her body. "How is Northman not bedding this creature every night?" he thinks to himself. Bill just can't get his eyes off Pam.
Lafayette: " A spanking?"
Pam: * Giggles* " I like how you think" *Touches Lafayette's cheek* " Here you go Lala" * Hands him the clippers
Lafayette: * stands behind Bill* "Okay, Bill time for a fresh start. Ready?"
Bill is so distracted by Pam's ass, he doesn't notice the clumps of hair falling from his head.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Part 7, Bill's Makeover
As Bill sits on the stool in living room, he watches as Pam circles him. Her eyes are clearly on that mop on the top of his head. Bill finds himself wondering if the attraction is mutual."It must be" he thinks. Bill does think very highly of himself. Bill has had many lovers in his past. Well according to him anyway.* Eye Roll* Not as many as that smoking hot viking, Eric Northman. But then again , no one living or undead can measure up to Northman. Bill locks eye contact with Pam and flashes a grin. Nothing. No reaction from Pam. "What if I wink at her? ", Bill thinks to himself. Once again Pam comes around in view of his eyes. Bill winks. Pam stops dead in her tracks. " Bat Boy, please tell me that you have something in your eye. I'm in no mood for your fuckery". Bill gasps and tries to come up with a quick and witty response. He's too late Pam has now turned her attention to Lafayette.
Pam: " Lafayette, I'm starting to think we need to just shave his head". * picking up his manbangs*
Bill: * Letting out a gasp* : "Ah... Pam.. I do not believe that is necessary. You see that my hair...."
Pam: * placing her right pointer finger to her lips* " Shhhhh" * This gets Bill a bit excited*
Lafaytte: * Looking at Bill's hair* : "Yeah, I second that".
Bill: " I will politely disagree with you both. My hair is just in need of a trim.... that's all".
Lafayette: * looks at Pam, then back at Bill* : 'Look Dracula.. You've dyed your hair so much and so often ... you need a fresh start".
Pam: * Arms crossed and grinning* : " You could be just like Brittany Spears".
Everyone let's out a giggle.
Bill: * makes a face* : " Comparing me to a woman? Who is this Spears person?"
The whole room, except for Pam are in disbelief.
Jessica: * sitting on the couch with Tara* : "Wait! Wait! You don't know who Brittany Spears is?"
Tara: * stuffing herself still with the fruit tray* " Aren't you suppose to be mainstreaming?"
Pam: " I'm not surprised" * looking at Bill with pity*
Bill: " Are you done mocking me? " *pause in the air* " Well then, who is she?"
Lafayette * Brushing Bill's hair" : " She's a pop star. Her music is the bomb.* Starts to hum, " Womanizer"* , " Anyway, one day she shaved her head Bald. Like Sined O' Connor."
Bill: " Who's Sined O'Connor"
Lafayette * Stops and looks at Bill*: " Hooker, you can't be serious?"
Tara: "Wait! Wait! You're kidding?"
Bill * shaking his head up and down* : "I am not in jesting mood" * Glances at Pam and notices she looking right him. " I can feel the heat", Bill thinks to himself, "There's hope".
Pam: "You claim that your mainstreaming, yet you have no idea who these woman are. "
Bill: * crossing his leg and grinning at Pam* : "Unlike your maker , Mr. Northman, I educated myself on important matters. Such as global warming and our tensions with North Korea. I don't have time for such pop culture nuggets".
Pam: * bending over with her hands on her knees*: " Look Billy, this is why you're not getting laid. You're fucking boring".
Bill: * looking deeply in her blue eyes*: " How am I boring? I thought you ladies prefer to have a man speak to them as equals?"
Pam: * Stands up*: " We do. However, asking a woman on a first date about" * in her best Bill voice* " My dear, what are your thoughts on Kim Jung Li? "
Lafayette: "That pocket size motherfucker scares the shit out of me".
Bill: * Gives Lafayette the side eye*: " So Pam, what's wrong with that? "
Pam: " What I'm trying to say is sometimes..... talking about fluff topics can break the ice".
Bill: * frowning* " I do not concur Pamela".
Pam: : * making a face* : "What have I told you about calling me that?"
Bill rolls his eyes.
Lafayette: " Look we can introduce Bill to Dlisted later".
Bill: " D who?"
Lafayette: " Never mind. Jessica, you got any electric clippers? "
Jessica : " No, but Hoyt has some. I'll text him". * Jessica starts to text him.
Lafayette:* grinning* " Bill, you know what texting is, right?"
Bill gives him a dirty look and doesn't answer him. Jessica's phone beeps. She picks it up.
Jessica: * looking at phone* " Awesome! Hoyt's bringing them over."
Lafayette: "Once he gets here, we'll shave Bill's hair."
Bill: "Excuse me, I'm right here. Do I not get a say in this?"
Pam: "No. Now just sit there and be quiet".
And of course... Bill does.
Pam: " Lafayette, I'm starting to think we need to just shave his head". * picking up his manbangs*
Bill: * Letting out a gasp* : "Ah... Pam.. I do not believe that is necessary. You see that my hair...."
Pam: * placing her right pointer finger to her lips* " Shhhhh" * This gets Bill a bit excited*
Lafaytte: * Looking at Bill's hair* : "Yeah, I second that".
Bill: " I will politely disagree with you both. My hair is just in need of a trim.... that's all".
Lafayette: * looks at Pam, then back at Bill* : 'Look Dracula.. You've dyed your hair so much and so often ... you need a fresh start".
Pam: * Arms crossed and grinning* : " You could be just like Brittany Spears".
Everyone let's out a giggle.
Bill: * makes a face* : " Comparing me to a woman? Who is this Spears person?"
The whole room, except for Pam are in disbelief.
Jessica: * sitting on the couch with Tara* : "Wait! Wait! You don't know who Brittany Spears is?"
Tara: * stuffing herself still with the fruit tray* " Aren't you suppose to be mainstreaming?"
Pam: " I'm not surprised" * looking at Bill with pity*
Bill: " Are you done mocking me? " *pause in the air* " Well then, who is she?"
Lafayette * Brushing Bill's hair" : " She's a pop star. Her music is the bomb.* Starts to hum, " Womanizer"* , " Anyway, one day she shaved her head Bald. Like Sined O' Connor."
Bill: " Who's Sined O'Connor"
Lafayette * Stops and looks at Bill*: " Hooker, you can't be serious?"
Tara: "Wait! Wait! You're kidding?"
Bill * shaking his head up and down* : "I am not in jesting mood" * Glances at Pam and notices she looking right him. " I can feel the heat", Bill thinks to himself, "There's hope".
Pam: "You claim that your mainstreaming, yet you have no idea who these woman are. "
Bill: * crossing his leg and grinning at Pam* : "Unlike your maker , Mr. Northman, I educated myself on important matters. Such as global warming and our tensions with North Korea. I don't have time for such pop culture nuggets".
Pam: * bending over with her hands on her knees*: " Look Billy, this is why you're not getting laid. You're fucking boring".
Bill: * looking deeply in her blue eyes*: " How am I boring? I thought you ladies prefer to have a man speak to them as equals?"
Pam: * Stands up*: " We do. However, asking a woman on a first date about" * in her best Bill voice* " My dear, what are your thoughts on Kim Jung Li? "
Lafayette: "That pocket size motherfucker scares the shit out of me".
Bill: * Gives Lafayette the side eye*: " So Pam, what's wrong with that? "
Pam: " What I'm trying to say is sometimes..... talking about fluff topics can break the ice".
Bill: * frowning* " I do not concur Pamela".
Pam: : * making a face* : "What have I told you about calling me that?"
Bill rolls his eyes.
Lafayette: " Look we can introduce Bill to Dlisted later".
Bill: " D who?"
Lafayette: " Never mind. Jessica, you got any electric clippers? "
Jessica : " No, but Hoyt has some. I'll text him". * Jessica starts to text him.
Lafayette:* grinning* " Bill, you know what texting is, right?"
Bill gives him a dirty look and doesn't answer him. Jessica's phone beeps. She picks it up.
Jessica: * looking at phone* " Awesome! Hoyt's bringing them over."
Lafayette: "Once he gets here, we'll shave Bill's hair."
Bill: "Excuse me, I'm right here. Do I not get a say in this?"
Pam: "No. Now just sit there and be quiet".
And of course... Bill does.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Part 6 Bill's Makeover
Lafayette and Tara are the first arrive at Bill Compton's, ancestral home. Lafayette's reaction as they pull up to driveway is one of disgust. "Damn, Sookie must have seriously been hard up..... because there is no way in hell that my fine ass would have stepped foot in that shit hole" he announces . Tara giggles, " Look who woke up on the bitch side of the bed". They unload Lafayette's trunk of "wardrobe treasures" and walk up to the door. " This motherfucker better be cooperative.....because I don't have time for bullshit", Lafayette says, as he rings the bell. Jessica answers the door , "Hey Y'all..come on in".
Bill is sitting on the red couch, his legs crossed and he's reading a Fodder's Travel Book on Peru. Bill sees Jessica letting Tara and Lafayette in. Bill cringes and realizes that this makeover is happening. Why can't Jessica just let him be. For nearly 170 years Bill has been just fine. His favorite shades of brown and gray, along with his tight pants have always suited him well. Bill thinks to himself, "I'll just be a polite southern gentlemen and listen to their advice. Then after they leave I shall return to my old ways". "Yes, yes", he nods. His man bangs flying back and forth. "That is what I shall do".
" Bill?", Jessica calls out to him. Bill is nodding his head back in forth, smiling. Sort of day dreaming. "Bill! Some of our guests are here!" Jessica says scolding him. Bill snaps out of it. He stands up and walks towards Lafayette and Tara. Mumbling to himself, "Just one night. That's it".
Bill: " Welcome Lafayette and Tara" *smiling* " to my ancestral home."
Tara: "Thank you Bill. You have..ah.....beautiful house."
Bill: " Thank you, Tara. It has been in the Compton family for centuries".
Lafayette: *eye balling Bill* : " Yeah well, it looks like it. Where can I put this trunk? You getting dressed in the living room?"
Bill: * gasping a bit* : " Ah no , sir. We have ladies here this evening...and we must act like gentlemen. No nudity". * smiling a bit*
Tara: " Bill, you being naked won't bother me. You've seen one dick, you've seen them all".
Lafayette: " Hooker, speak for ya self".
Just then the door bell rings. " Dammit!" Bill thinks to himself. Yup, it's Pam. As usual Pam looks like a million dollar. Even though tonight, she's a bit dressed down. In jeans, Ked sneakers and a cute sweater from Ann Taylor, Pam looks awesome. Her hair is flowing and even Lafayette can't take his eyes off her. If there's one woman on this planet that Lala would fuck , it's Pam.
Lafayette: " Damn... Pam" * looking her up and down* "You're looking FINE!"
Pam: * dead pan * "I know", * winks at Lala* , " Now.. where's America's Next Top Model?"
Bill is not happy that Pam has made a joke about him so early in the evening. He ignores her and offers everyone a drink.
Tara: " What do you have?"
Bill: " Fresca, Ginger Ale and of course True blood."
Jessica pipes in : "I have a fruit tray and some chips in the kitchen too" skipping into the kitchen as everyone follows, " And like, oh, Pam , Sookie brought me these blood clot cookies from Talbot. Their like so good." * Pulls them out of the fridge that Hoyt bought Jessica as a surprise a couple of month ago. Okay, let's be honest, Hoyt was sick of drinking warm soda.*
Pam: *smiles* : " Thanks kid" *takes a bite* " Oh, these are good".
Bill: * pouting a bit* " Sookie... gave those to you from Talbot?"
Jessica: " Yeah, she thought Pam would enjoy them."
Bill: * gabbing one of the tray* : " And what am I? Chop liver?" *Before Pam could answer he says* , "Never mind."
Pam: claps her hands once: "Okay, let's get this started before "Just for Men" here * Pointing to Bill* changes his mind".
Bill gasps : "Excuse me? What did you call me?"
Pam: * Taking a swig of her True Blood that Jessica just handed her* : "Bitch, Please... everybody knows you color your hair".
Lafayette * laughing * : " I thought that was a wig."
Bill is now pissed. This is not going well. Jessica starts to panic a bit. She looks at Pam, who has yet to lose her cool. "Damn" Jessica thinks, "I want to be Pam when I grow up."
Bill:* Flashes his fangs and starts to shout* " I am Vampire! I could destroy all of you in a matter of minutes. I could eat you all alive."
There is silence. Then there is a roar of laughter.
Pam * walk over to Bill*: "You are so uptight", *wipes the drool from his mouth with a napkin*, "Christ on a cracker, Bill. Lighten up. Tara got your camera ready?"
Tara * with cheese and fruit in her mouth* : 'Right here in my purse."
Bill frowns, looks down at the floor. Pam starts to guide Bill by his shoulders, into the living room , while carrying a stool from the kitchen. Everyone else follows. Pam places the stool down in the middle of the floor and point to Bill to sit. He winces a bit and sits down. " This really going to happen" he thinks to himself.
Jessica * hopping up and down* : " OH, MY GOD! Bill this is gonna be like soooo cool! Aren't you excited???"
Bill: * Dead pan* " No."
Pam: *leans over him and whispers in his right ear* : " Come on Bat Boy , relax. Think of me as your maker. Just shut up and do as I say."
What happens next... well it shocks Bill. He finds himself becoming aroused with Pam in such proximity. How could this be? Her perfume? Her flowing hair? Her whispered voice in his ear? This is going to be a long night for the pathetic Bill Compton.
**Part 7 later this week...............**
Bill is sitting on the red couch, his legs crossed and he's reading a Fodder's Travel Book on Peru. Bill sees Jessica letting Tara and Lafayette in. Bill cringes and realizes that this makeover is happening. Why can't Jessica just let him be. For nearly 170 years Bill has been just fine. His favorite shades of brown and gray, along with his tight pants have always suited him well. Bill thinks to himself, "I'll just be a polite southern gentlemen and listen to their advice. Then after they leave I shall return to my old ways". "Yes, yes", he nods. His man bangs flying back and forth. "That is what I shall do".
" Bill?", Jessica calls out to him. Bill is nodding his head back in forth, smiling. Sort of day dreaming. "Bill! Some of our guests are here!" Jessica says scolding him. Bill snaps out of it. He stands up and walks towards Lafayette and Tara. Mumbling to himself, "Just one night. That's it".
Bill: " Welcome Lafayette and Tara" *smiling* " to my ancestral home."
Tara: "Thank you Bill. You have..ah.....beautiful house."
Bill: " Thank you, Tara. It has been in the Compton family for centuries".
Lafayette: *eye balling Bill* : " Yeah well, it looks like it. Where can I put this trunk? You getting dressed in the living room?"
Bill: * gasping a bit* : " Ah no , sir. We have ladies here this evening...and we must act like gentlemen. No nudity". * smiling a bit*
Tara: " Bill, you being naked won't bother me. You've seen one dick, you've seen them all".
Lafayette: " Hooker, speak for ya self".
Just then the door bell rings. " Dammit!" Bill thinks to himself. Yup, it's Pam. As usual Pam looks like a million dollar. Even though tonight, she's a bit dressed down. In jeans, Ked sneakers and a cute sweater from Ann Taylor, Pam looks awesome. Her hair is flowing and even Lafayette can't take his eyes off her. If there's one woman on this planet that Lala would fuck , it's Pam.
Lafayette: " Damn... Pam" * looking her up and down* "You're looking FINE!"
Pam: * dead pan * "I know", * winks at Lala* , " Now.. where's America's Next Top Model?"
Bill is not happy that Pam has made a joke about him so early in the evening. He ignores her and offers everyone a drink.
Tara: " What do you have?"
Bill: " Fresca, Ginger Ale and of course True blood."
Jessica pipes in : "I have a fruit tray and some chips in the kitchen too" skipping into the kitchen as everyone follows, " And like, oh, Pam , Sookie brought me these blood clot cookies from Talbot. Their like so good." * Pulls them out of the fridge that Hoyt bought Jessica as a surprise a couple of month ago. Okay, let's be honest, Hoyt was sick of drinking warm soda.*
Pam: *smiles* : " Thanks kid" *takes a bite* " Oh, these are good".
Bill: * pouting a bit* " Sookie... gave those to you from Talbot?"
Jessica: " Yeah, she thought Pam would enjoy them."
Bill: * gabbing one of the tray* : " And what am I? Chop liver?" *Before Pam could answer he says* , "Never mind."
Pam: claps her hands once: "Okay, let's get this started before "Just for Men" here * Pointing to Bill* changes his mind".
Bill gasps : "Excuse me? What did you call me?"
Pam: * Taking a swig of her True Blood that Jessica just handed her* : "Bitch, Please... everybody knows you color your hair".
Lafayette * laughing * : " I thought that was a wig."
Bill is now pissed. This is not going well. Jessica starts to panic a bit. She looks at Pam, who has yet to lose her cool. "Damn" Jessica thinks, "I want to be Pam when I grow up."
Bill:* Flashes his fangs and starts to shout* " I am Vampire! I could destroy all of you in a matter of minutes. I could eat you all alive."
There is silence. Then there is a roar of laughter.
Pam * walk over to Bill*: "You are so uptight", *wipes the drool from his mouth with a napkin*, "Christ on a cracker, Bill. Lighten up. Tara got your camera ready?"
Tara * with cheese and fruit in her mouth* : 'Right here in my purse."
Bill frowns, looks down at the floor. Pam starts to guide Bill by his shoulders, into the living room , while carrying a stool from the kitchen. Everyone else follows. Pam places the stool down in the middle of the floor and point to Bill to sit. He winces a bit and sits down. " This really going to happen" he thinks to himself.
Jessica * hopping up and down* : " OH, MY GOD! Bill this is gonna be like soooo cool! Aren't you excited???"
Bill: * Dead pan* " No."
Pam: *leans over him and whispers in his right ear* : " Come on Bat Boy , relax. Think of me as your maker. Just shut up and do as I say."
What happens next... well it shocks Bill. He finds himself becoming aroused with Pam in such proximity. How could this be? Her perfume? Her flowing hair? Her whispered voice in his ear? This is going to be a long night for the pathetic Bill Compton.
**Part 7 later this week...............**
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Bill's Makeover , Part 5
Jessica is pulling up to the drive way of Bill Compton's ancestral home. She has misfortune of having to live there. As Jessica parks her 1998 Toyota Camry, she notices Bill's BMW parked in front of her. "Dammit", she thinks. Jessica was hoping she would have a few hours alone before the makeover session. Bill had said something earlier in the week about going to see the circus in Shreveport. Apparently, during one of Bill and Loren's many "Breaks", he joined the circus. No, not as the guy who cleans up behind the elephants, which would have been a perfect job, but as a juggler.
Bill one night, in one of his "I feel like being a good maker" mood, broke out his circus balls and started juggling. Bill bore Jessica with stories such as, " You see then Mr. Barmun, himself, told me that I had a face for the circus". Jessica didn't have the heart to tell him, that was an insult. "You see, my dear, my circus past is something that I didn't share with my darling Sookie. Not that I'm ashamed". Bill said smiling off into the distance. "I did do many good deeds, during my time. I deflowered the bearded lady . Poor thing, 59, and never had a man". He sighed as he told the story. " She was grateful for my services". This gave Jessica a full body shiver just thinking about it.
As Jessica unloaded the groceries, she realized that she had not used Bill's reusable shopping bags. "Shit", she thought, "I'm never gonna hear the end of this". Jessica let herself in the side door. She could hear Bill on his cell phone, " Yes, and how much for first class? " pause "Really? that seems like a lot. You folks at American Airlines *grunts* know we are in a recession?" Jessica laid the bags down on the counter and thought, " What a cheapskate". Bill was planning his trip to Peru. Sophie Ann, their Queen, had asked Bill to fly down there for some "research". Really, who knows what those two assholes are up too?
Just as Jessica had taken everything out of the plastic bags, Bill pipes up behind Jessica.
Bill: "Ah, my dear... are those plastic bags I see?"
Jessica * Not turning around* " Yeah, I forgot to grab the reusable one. Sorry." *Turns around to face Bill. Give him a smile*
Bill: * Tilts his head and cracks his neck a bit*: "Now I could except your apology.. however, you know,who you need to apologize to is ? " *Nods* "That's right... Mother Nature."
Jessica: * putting her hand together* " Okay, Al Gore....I get it."
Bill: * Moving his right index finger in a tisk, tisk motion* " Now it is this kind of attitude that has wrecked this planet... you see my dear.. because I'm vampire.... I remember what the world was like before these ..* picks up one of the bags in disgust* "plastic monsters entered our world."
Jessica: " Yeah, okay, look I forgot... I will make sure I recycle these bags at the store."
Bill: *putting his hands on her shoulders*: " The world is counting on you."
Jessica: " Yeah ,okay" *wiggles away from Bill* " I thought you were going to the circus? "
Bill: " Well, that was the plan... however.... our Queen had me working all day. " *picks up the fruit platter*" Ah, my dear, you realize as vampire... we do not eat fruit."
Jessica: " You remember the makeover is tonight?"
Bill: *Frowns and grunts* : 'Don't remind me. However, Pam doesn't eat this either... she is va..."
Jessica: " Yeah, I know.... vampire. Lafayette and Tara are coming too." * quickly walks out the kitchen*
Bill: * walking behind her* "Excuse me? "
Jessica: * gets to stairs and turns around* " Yeah, Lafayette is bring over clothes. Tara is doing before and after pictures."
Bill: *Taping his right foot and his hands on his waist* : " You and your "friend" Pam must think I'm ....some kind of Ken doll. "
Jessica: "Bill, if you looked like a Ken doll you'd be stylish with a bump where your penis is suppose to be." *Giggles*
Bill: "You think you're so funny? " *Frowning*
Jessica: * Raising her voice*" Trust me... you need this. You're driving me nuts! I need you start dating again. I want you out of the house more often."
Bill: " Now, now.... my child.... calm down.."
Jessica: * Her red pony tail flying around her face": Please for the love of all that is vampire... just shut up and let these people help you."
Bill: "Well technically... Pam is not a person.. because she is..."
Jessica: * Now screaming*: "Shut the fuck up! Listen this is how this is going to go down. I'm gonna go upstairs and change my clothes. You will sit on that couch and be quiet till they get here. Not a peep. Not a sound out of you. You will wear whatever Lafayette pulls out of his trunk. You will smile in any pictures Tara takes of you. And you will be polite and smile at whatever Pam says to you. And you will do whatever they tell you to do. Because after tonight I'm going to take anything that is brown and gray in your closet and I will light those up in a bonfire. You, got it?"
Bill is stunned. Never has a woman spoken to him like that. Jessica points to the red couch in the parlor and Bill goes and sits down.
Truly pathetic Bill Compton... getting served by a 17 year old. Even if she is.... Vampire.
Bill one night, in one of his "I feel like being a good maker" mood, broke out his circus balls and started juggling. Bill bore Jessica with stories such as, " You see then Mr. Barmun, himself, told me that I had a face for the circus". Jessica didn't have the heart to tell him, that was an insult. "You see, my dear, my circus past is something that I didn't share with my darling Sookie. Not that I'm ashamed". Bill said smiling off into the distance. "I did do many good deeds, during my time. I deflowered the bearded lady . Poor thing, 59, and never had a man". He sighed as he told the story. " She was grateful for my services". This gave Jessica a full body shiver just thinking about it.
As Jessica unloaded the groceries, she realized that she had not used Bill's reusable shopping bags. "Shit", she thought, "I'm never gonna hear the end of this". Jessica let herself in the side door. She could hear Bill on his cell phone, " Yes, and how much for first class? " pause "Really? that seems like a lot. You folks at American Airlines *grunts* know we are in a recession?" Jessica laid the bags down on the counter and thought, " What a cheapskate". Bill was planning his trip to Peru. Sophie Ann, their Queen, had asked Bill to fly down there for some "research". Really, who knows what those two assholes are up too?
Just as Jessica had taken everything out of the plastic bags, Bill pipes up behind Jessica.
Bill: "Ah, my dear... are those plastic bags I see?"
Jessica * Not turning around* " Yeah, I forgot to grab the reusable one. Sorry." *Turns around to face Bill. Give him a smile*
Bill: * Tilts his head and cracks his neck a bit*: "Now I could except your apology.. however, you know,who you need to apologize to is ? " *Nods* "That's right... Mother Nature."
Jessica: * putting her hand together* " Okay, Al Gore....I get it."
Bill: * Moving his right index finger in a tisk, tisk motion* " Now it is this kind of attitude that has wrecked this planet... you see my dear.. because I'm vampire.... I remember what the world was like before these ..* picks up one of the bags in disgust* "plastic monsters entered our world."
Jessica: " Yeah, okay, look I forgot... I will make sure I recycle these bags at the store."
Bill: *putting his hands on her shoulders*: " The world is counting on you."
Jessica: " Yeah ,okay" *wiggles away from Bill* " I thought you were going to the circus? "
Bill: " Well, that was the plan... however.... our Queen had me working all day. " *picks up the fruit platter*" Ah, my dear, you realize as vampire... we do not eat fruit."
Jessica: " You remember the makeover is tonight?"
Bill: *Frowns and grunts* : 'Don't remind me. However, Pam doesn't eat this either... she is va..."
Jessica: " Yeah, I know.... vampire. Lafayette and Tara are coming too." * quickly walks out the kitchen*
Bill: * walking behind her* "Excuse me? "
Jessica: * gets to stairs and turns around* " Yeah, Lafayette is bring over clothes. Tara is doing before and after pictures."
Bill: *Taping his right foot and his hands on his waist* : " You and your "friend" Pam must think I'm ....some kind of Ken doll. "
Jessica: "Bill, if you looked like a Ken doll you'd be stylish with a bump where your penis is suppose to be." *Giggles*
Bill: "You think you're so funny? " *Frowning*
Jessica: * Raising her voice*" Trust me... you need this. You're driving me nuts! I need you start dating again. I want you out of the house more often."
Bill: " Now, now.... my child.... calm down.."
Jessica: * Her red pony tail flying around her face": Please for the love of all that is vampire... just shut up and let these people help you."
Bill: "Well technically... Pam is not a person.. because she is..."
Jessica: * Now screaming*: "Shut the fuck up! Listen this is how this is going to go down. I'm gonna go upstairs and change my clothes. You will sit on that couch and be quiet till they get here. Not a peep. Not a sound out of you. You will wear whatever Lafayette pulls out of his trunk. You will smile in any pictures Tara takes of you. And you will be polite and smile at whatever Pam says to you. And you will do whatever they tell you to do. Because after tonight I'm going to take anything that is brown and gray in your closet and I will light those up in a bonfire. You, got it?"
Bill is stunned. Never has a woman spoken to him like that. Jessica points to the red couch in the parlor and Bill goes and sits down.
Truly pathetic Bill Compton... getting served by a 17 year old. Even if she is.... Vampire.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Bill's Makeover Part 4: Pam visit Lafayette... This should be good.
It's Sunday night and Pam is making her usual rounds for her marker, Eric Northman. However, she takes a small detour to Bon Temps and to Merlotte's Bar. Pam tells herself that it's only for a moment that she'll have to deal with the vermin. Besides, she just there to chat with Lafayette.
Just touching the door handle on the front door is enough to make her reach into her Chanel handbag for Purel. Pam maybe a vampire and could rip the heads off any living creature on Earth. However , germs. Yeah, you might as well be silver. Pam steps into the bar looking like something out of the fall issue of Harper's Biazzre . Her Chanel bag matches her 2 piece vintage Chanel cream and pink color suit with fabulous pink Christian Louboutin, 5 inch heels. She's wearing her hair in a twist and has on her Mikimoto Pearl set to complete the look. Yeah, your damn right. The real Queen of the Damned has arrived.
The first person to spot her is Arlene. "Oh hell, look what the cat dragged in", Arlene mumbles to herself. It's really out of pure jealously. Arlene is not what you would call stylish. Arlene hair is a shade of red that does not exist in nature. Her Lee Press on Nails are always getting lost in the potato salad. She's been married 4 times. Most recently was engaged to a serial killer. Though she does have two of the cutest kids ever. I would suggest that Arlene start saving some money for those kids shrink bills. Their gonna need it having Arlene as a Mama.
Tara: "Pam, we do wipe the seats, you know?"
Pam: " Sorry, Tara, but it looks like the circus has stopped by for dinner. I'm not taking any chance".
Arlene walks over and injects her two cents. "Damn Vamp, I hope you got to hell".
Pam *turns around and giggles* : " You should buy stock in Kool-Aid".
Arlene * looking puzzled for a moment* : "Why?"
Pam * Tapping her nails on the bar* : "You use so much of passion punch on that hair of yours, I thought you might as well invest in the company".
At this point Tara is laughing out loud: "Oh, snap..."
Arlene * frowning* " Well... at least.. I'm breathing ..."
Pam * rolling her yes* : "Look "Walmart" I wouldn't even bother feeding off you, if you were the last human on earth".
Arlene stomps away. Tara offers Pam a True Blood.
Tara: "O, right?"
Pam * giving her the side eye* : "What do I look like to you? Compton? AB Negative, please".
Tara: "Ooh, fancy. Pardon me" * Handing Pam the True Blood* " You know Sookie's not here".
Pam: * Wiping the top of the bottle with a napkin* " Yeah, I know. I saw her at Eric's tonight. She worked the early shift".
Tara * Leaning over the bar* : "What does Sookie do over there?"
Pam: *taking a sip* : "Not bad. Hmm. Besides, having sex for hours?"
Tara: "Yeah."
Pam: " Usually catching up on the DVR. They like Survivor. Though I think it took Eric awhile to realize that at the end of the show, no one was going to be sacrificed. * takes another sip*,"You know about the Yoga lessons, right?"
Tara: "Yeah, I think it's an excuse, so they can work their way through the Kama Sutra".
Pam: " Yeah, they've done that already. I think they just want to be more flexible." *winks at Tara*
Tara: "Damn she's lucky. Sam always wants me to rub his belly when we get done".
Pam: * takes another sip*: " Yeah, that's a shifter for you".
Tara: "Okay, so why are you here? Not that I'm not enjoying yakking with you."
Pam: " I'm here to see your cousin."
Tara: " Lala, why?"
Pam: "I need his "Cover Girl" expertise"
Tara: "Does this have to do with Bill's makeover? You have got to let me come over. I'll do "Before and After" pictures".
Pam: "Fine. You're on".
Tara: " I'll get Lafayette".
Tara walks back into the kitchen and calls out to Lafayette through the pick up window.
Tara: " Hey, Lala, Someone is here to see you?"
LaFayette is in the middle of making his famous , "Bitch, this gonna rip you up gumbo". Lafayette is looking fabulous as usual. Purple silk head scarf, skin tight "7 for all Mankind Jeans" with an equally skin tight purple tank top. That unfortunately is being covered up with an apron.
Lafayette: "Unless it's Jesus, my boyfriend and the son of God, I'm not in the mood for people".
Tara: "It's Pam".
Lala drops his ladle. You can almost see a panic come over his beautiful face. He rushes over to the window. Starts to speak in a whisper.
Lafayette: " Tell her I'm not here".
Tara: *dead pan*: " Too late. She knows you're here".
Lafayette: " Motherfucker. Look I can not deal with her. That bitch scare the shit out of me. Don't let that pink fool you".
Suddenly, Pam appears at the window. " Come on Lala... let's go in the walk in freezer for old time sakes".
LaFayette looks at Pam and nods his head. "Watch my gumbo, Tara".
Inside the walk-in, Pam pulls out a Kleenex and lays it on a case of beers, then sits down. While Lala, stands up against the wall, freaking out... on the inside.
Pam: " Lafayette, calm down. This is a friendly visit.Look I need a favor".
Lala: "From me? It's not April Fool's Day, Hooker....I'm not in the mood".
Pam * smiling* " I can see why Sookie likes you. Look I'm not sure if Jessica has told you about me helping her with Bill Compton's makeover".
Lala: * Rolling his eyes* "I told that girl, she's wasting her time. I told her it would easier getting Andy laid than Bill. At least Andy leaves the house and his accent doesn't sound like Gomer Pyle".
Pam * smiling *" Yeah, well that's my thought. However, I do have a soft spot for baby vamp. So I agreed to help her".
Lala: "Wait, wait.... are you and Jessica friends?"
Pam: " Don't push it "Kiss of the Spider Woman". Look since still technically ....you owe me and Eric over that little V issue... you're coming over next week and you're going to help me".
Lala: * putting his hands up* "Hell no".
Pam: "Excuse me?"
Lala: "Look I'm pretty close to shitting in my pants... and these bitches cost me a fortune... However, helping Bill does not seem like something I feel like doing. I know I have an attitude.. but I hate that man."
Pam: " Shh... Look you come over with your trunk of clothes and help me dress Bat Boy and .. well... we'll be even".
Lala is now speechless.
Pam: "Cat got your tongue? We gotta deal... Fryboy?"
Lala: " Yes, ma'am".
Pam gets up and starts to head out the door of the walk-in. Just then Lala calls out to here.
Lala: " By the way, girlfriend.. I gotta say.. You're looking fierce tonight".
Pam * smiles* : "You like , huh? Vintage except for the shoes, bitch".
Lala: " I will say you are one sexy vamp".
Pam: * gets right in Lala's face*: " Are you flirting with me?"
Lala: *smiles* " Maybe I am".
Pam: "Don't tease Lafayette, I may turn you".
Lala: " Into a Vamp?"
Pam: * Touching his face* " Straight "
Then clicks her heels and heads out the door.
Just touching the door handle on the front door is enough to make her reach into her Chanel handbag for Purel. Pam maybe a vampire and could rip the heads off any living creature on Earth. However , germs. Yeah, you might as well be silver. Pam steps into the bar looking like something out of the fall issue of Harper's Biazzre . Her Chanel bag matches her 2 piece vintage Chanel cream and pink color suit with fabulous pink Christian Louboutin, 5 inch heels. She's wearing her hair in a twist and has on her Mikimoto Pearl set to complete the look. Yeah, your damn right. The real Queen of the Damned has arrived.
The first person to spot her is Arlene. "Oh hell, look what the cat dragged in", Arlene mumbles to herself. It's really out of pure jealously. Arlene is not what you would call stylish. Arlene hair is a shade of red that does not exist in nature. Her Lee Press on Nails are always getting lost in the potato salad. She's been married 4 times. Most recently was engaged to a serial killer. Though she does have two of the cutest kids ever. I would suggest that Arlene start saving some money for those kids shrink bills. Their gonna need it having Arlene as a Mama.
As Pam is scanning the room, every "Bubba" and "Redneck" in the place has stopped munching on their food to check out this lovely creature. Tara is manning the bar and looks up to see Pam. She waves her over. Before Pam sits down on one of the stools, she takes a napkin and wipes the seat.
Tara: "Pam, we do wipe the seats, you know?"
Pam: " Sorry, Tara, but it looks like the circus has stopped by for dinner. I'm not taking any chance".
Arlene walks over and injects her two cents. "Damn Vamp, I hope you got to hell".
Pam *turns around and giggles* : " You should buy stock in Kool-Aid".
Arlene * looking puzzled for a moment* : "Why?"
Pam * Tapping her nails on the bar* : "You use so much of passion punch on that hair of yours, I thought you might as well invest in the company".
At this point Tara is laughing out loud: "Oh, snap..."
Arlene * frowning* " Well... at least.. I'm breathing ..."
Pam * rolling her yes* : "Look "Walmart" I wouldn't even bother feeding off you, if you were the last human on earth".
Arlene stomps away. Tara offers Pam a True Blood.
Tara: "O, right?"
Pam * giving her the side eye* : "What do I look like to you? Compton? AB Negative, please".
Tara: "Ooh, fancy. Pardon me" * Handing Pam the True Blood* " You know Sookie's not here".
Pam: * Wiping the top of the bottle with a napkin* " Yeah, I know. I saw her at Eric's tonight. She worked the early shift".
Tara * Leaning over the bar* : "What does Sookie do over there?"
Pam: *taking a sip* : "Not bad. Hmm. Besides, having sex for hours?"
Tara: "Yeah."
Pam: " Usually catching up on the DVR. They like Survivor. Though I think it took Eric awhile to realize that at the end of the show, no one was going to be sacrificed. * takes another sip*,"You know about the Yoga lessons, right?"
Tara: "Yeah, I think it's an excuse, so they can work their way through the Kama Sutra".
Pam: " Yeah, they've done that already. I think they just want to be more flexible." *winks at Tara*
Tara: "Damn she's lucky. Sam always wants me to rub his belly when we get done".
Pam: * takes another sip*: " Yeah, that's a shifter for you".
Tara: "Okay, so why are you here? Not that I'm not enjoying yakking with you."
Pam: " I'm here to see your cousin."
Tara: " Lala, why?"
Pam: "I need his "Cover Girl" expertise"
Tara: "Does this have to do with Bill's makeover? You have got to let me come over. I'll do "Before and After" pictures".
Pam: "Fine. You're on".
Tara: " I'll get Lafayette".
Tara walks back into the kitchen and calls out to Lafayette through the pick up window.
Tara: " Hey, Lala, Someone is here to see you?"
LaFayette is in the middle of making his famous , "Bitch, this gonna rip you up gumbo". Lafayette is looking fabulous as usual. Purple silk head scarf, skin tight "7 for all Mankind Jeans" with an equally skin tight purple tank top. That unfortunately is being covered up with an apron.
Lafayette: "Unless it's Jesus, my boyfriend and the son of God, I'm not in the mood for people".
Tara: "It's Pam".
Lala drops his ladle. You can almost see a panic come over his beautiful face. He rushes over to the window. Starts to speak in a whisper.
Lafayette: " Tell her I'm not here".
Tara: *dead pan*: " Too late. She knows you're here".
Lafayette: " Motherfucker. Look I can not deal with her. That bitch scare the shit out of me. Don't let that pink fool you".
Suddenly, Pam appears at the window. " Come on Lala... let's go in the walk in freezer for old time sakes".
LaFayette looks at Pam and nods his head. "Watch my gumbo, Tara".
Inside the walk-in, Pam pulls out a Kleenex and lays it on a case of beers, then sits down. While Lala, stands up against the wall, freaking out... on the inside.
Pam: " Lafayette, calm down. This is a friendly visit.Look I need a favor".
Lala: "From me? It's not April Fool's Day, Hooker....I'm not in the mood".
Pam * smiling* " I can see why Sookie likes you. Look I'm not sure if Jessica has told you about me helping her with Bill Compton's makeover".
Lala: * Rolling his eyes* "I told that girl, she's wasting her time. I told her it would easier getting Andy laid than Bill. At least Andy leaves the house and his accent doesn't sound like Gomer Pyle".
Pam * smiling *" Yeah, well that's my thought. However, I do have a soft spot for baby vamp. So I agreed to help her".
Lala: "Wait, wait.... are you and Jessica friends?"
Pam: " Don't push it "Kiss of the Spider Woman". Look since still technically ....you owe me and Eric over that little V issue... you're coming over next week and you're going to help me".
Lala: * putting his hands up* "Hell no".
Pam: "Excuse me?"
Lala: "Look I'm pretty close to shitting in my pants... and these bitches cost me a fortune... However, helping Bill does not seem like something I feel like doing. I know I have an attitude.. but I hate that man."
Pam: " Shh... Look you come over with your trunk of clothes and help me dress Bat Boy and .. well... we'll be even".
Lala is now speechless.
Pam: "Cat got your tongue? We gotta deal... Fryboy?"
Lala: " Yes, ma'am".
Pam gets up and starts to head out the door of the walk-in. Just then Lala calls out to here.
Lala: " By the way, girlfriend.. I gotta say.. You're looking fierce tonight".
Pam * smiles* : "You like , huh? Vintage except for the shoes, bitch".
Lala: " I will say you are one sexy vamp".
Pam: * gets right in Lala's face*: " Are you flirting with me?"
Lala: *smiles* " Maybe I am".
Pam: "Don't tease Lafayette, I may turn you".
Lala: " Into a Vamp?"
Pam: * Touching his face* " Straight "
Then clicks her heels and heads out the door.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Bill's makeover.. Part 3.. Eric's take on the whole thing...
It's Halloween night at Fantasia. Pam is in the office going through the "Lost & Found" bin. Some tourist called in a panic from their hotel room. They may have left their cell phone in the bathroom. Lucky for the tourist, Ginger had taken their call. She is as sweet as pie and as cute as a kitten. However, smart was not a word you would use to describe Ginger. After taking the message, she walked across the floor, over to where Pam was stationed. Pam was looking as sexy as ever. Black leather "Cat Woman" style jumper with some bad ass black boots and a whip to match. Her hair was up in a high ponytail and her makeup was very "Sophia Loren" circa 1968. Ginger in her very whiny, high pitch southern accent ( think Jessica Simpson) taps Pam on the shoulder. "Hey, Pam, this lady called she might have left her phone here". Pam giving her the side eye, "Yeah and ?". "Well, I thought you could look in Lost & Found." Pam taking the note from Ginger's fingers, " Next time tell them to fuck off". Ginger as usual wasn't sure if Pam was being facetious ( yeah, well that wouldn't be word Ginger would use). "Well, you and Eric told me to be nice, cuz them folks * pointing to the tourists* are paying my salary.. I'm". Pam clicked her fingers, "Geesh, Ginger..never mind. Go back to the bar. Stand there and look pretty".
So now we find Pam going through the "Lost & Found" bin.
Pam: * to herself* "There is not enough Purell in the world...."
Just then Eric comes in.
Eric: 'Why would you put your hands in that box? Don't we just tell the vermin to
fuck off when they call crying for their crap?"
Pam: *Looks up at her maker* "Yeah, well guess who took the call?"
Eric: *grinning* "Oh, Ginger... She needs to stop being so nice".
Pam: "Yeah, well good luck with that".
Eric: *sitting down on the couch* " Now, what is this I hear you're giving Compton a make-over?"
Pam: " Before you get your red undies in a twist.. I'm doing it as a favor to Baby Vamp".
Eric: "Jessica? Why?"
Pam: "Look.." * throwing the box on the floor* " She did us a HUGE favor while you were on vacation with Sookie. Jessica came in and worked that Nan Flanagan party. "
Eric: "That fucking Flanagan... I hate that bitch. * Popping his knuckles* " So your helping her with Compton? Have you ingested silver?'
Pam: *Wiping her hands with a moist towelette* " Look she's a nice kid".
Eric starting laughing
Pam: "I'm serious, Eric. She is really sweet. Plus I can't believe I'm gonna say this... I think we may be friends now".
Eric: * Now is laughing even harder* : " Pam, Pam... This is so "Lifetime Movie" of you"
Pam: * Making a face* : "Go ahead laugh. Fine. Jessica is my friend. Besides...Bill is driving her nuts. He never goes out. He doesn't even lurk around Sookie's driveway anymore".
Eric: * Looking serious*: "He better not".
Pam: " Well between playing Wii, watching Oprah and then having Franklin over..."
Eric: " Franklin? Ugh. That guy is creepy. I happen to be 850 years older than Franklin and even he creeps me out ".
Pam: " See , you get it?Anyway....Jessica needs Man Bangs out of the house and out of her hair. So she's basically trying to get him a girlfriend".
Eric: * laughing* "I would start by buying him some new clothes. Gray and Brown seem to be his favorite colors. When I think about it... his colors are as boring as he is."
Pam: "So you're okay with this?"
Eric: " Yeah, of course. I thought I'd give you a hard time. "
Pam smiles at her maker. Eric stands to rise and head back out to the bar. Then turns around and says:
Eric: "Oh, and make sure you explain to Bat Boy that he needs to stop coloring his hair If he doesn't shave, his beard will still be gray and the top of that mop will be shoe polish black."
Pam: *Her eyes are open extra wide" " He dyes his hair? "
Eric: *grins* "Yeah, Sookie told me. She also told me he sucks his thumb after sex."
Pam: "No way."
Eric giving Pam a look that says "I'm not kidding".
Pam: "He's more pathetic than I thought."
So now we find Pam going through the "Lost & Found" bin.
Pam: * to herself* "There is not enough Purell in the world...."
Just then Eric comes in.
Eric: 'Why would you put your hands in that box? Don't we just tell the vermin to
fuck off when they call crying for their crap?"
Pam: *Looks up at her maker* "Yeah, well guess who took the call?"
Eric: *grinning* "Oh, Ginger... She needs to stop being so nice".
Pam: "Yeah, well good luck with that".
Eric: *sitting down on the couch* " Now, what is this I hear you're giving Compton a make-over?"
Pam: " Before you get your red undies in a twist.. I'm doing it as a favor to Baby Vamp".
Eric: "Jessica? Why?"
Pam: "Look.." * throwing the box on the floor* " She did us a HUGE favor while you were on vacation with Sookie. Jessica came in and worked that Nan Flanagan party. "
Eric: "That fucking Flanagan... I hate that bitch. * Popping his knuckles* " So your helping her with Compton? Have you ingested silver?'
Pam: *Wiping her hands with a moist towelette* " Look she's a nice kid".
Eric starting laughing
Pam: "I'm serious, Eric. She is really sweet. Plus I can't believe I'm gonna say this... I think we may be friends now".
Eric: * Now is laughing even harder* : " Pam, Pam... This is so "Lifetime Movie" of you"
Pam: * Making a face* : "Go ahead laugh. Fine. Jessica is my friend. Besides...Bill is driving her nuts. He never goes out. He doesn't even lurk around Sookie's driveway anymore".
Eric: * Looking serious*: "He better not".
Pam: " Well between playing Wii, watching Oprah and then having Franklin over..."
Eric: " Franklin? Ugh. That guy is creepy. I happen to be 850 years older than Franklin and even he creeps me out ".
Pam: " See , you get it?Anyway....Jessica needs Man Bangs out of the house and out of her hair. So she's basically trying to get him a girlfriend".
Eric: * laughing* "I would start by buying him some new clothes. Gray and Brown seem to be his favorite colors. When I think about it... his colors are as boring as he is."
Pam: "So you're okay with this?"
Eric: " Yeah, of course. I thought I'd give you a hard time. "
Pam smiles at her maker. Eric stands to rise and head back out to the bar. Then turns around and says:
Eric: "Oh, and make sure you explain to Bat Boy that he needs to stop coloring his hair If he doesn't shave, his beard will still be gray and the top of that mop will be shoe polish black."
Pam: *Her eyes are open extra wide" " He dyes his hair? "
Eric: *grins* "Yeah, Sookie told me. She also told me he sucks his thumb after sex."
Pam: "No way."
Eric giving Pam a look that says "I'm not kidding".
Pam: "He's more pathetic than I thought."
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Bill's makeover... well maybe...part 2...
Jessica comes home from a trip to T-Mobile. She knows that Bill "does not like to type with the numbers". Being the kind hearted vamp that she is. Jessica picked up a Blackberry for her maker. Jessica finds Bill once again on his red couch,watching Oprah on the DVR. Yeah, he needs a girlfriend.
Jessica: "Hey, Bill. Watching Oprah again?"
Bill: " Ah, yes, my dear. Once again Ms. Winfrey has touched my non-beating heart". *Pauses the DVR*
Jessica: *sitting down next to him*: "What is the show about today?"
Bill: *clears his throat* "Apparently Oprah and her best friend Gayle have traveled to Peru and they have documented their travels for us.... her dear viewers".
Jessica: * playing with her hair* " Yeah, well, Oprah is in her last year, so she's going out with a bang".
Bill: * turning to Jessica with a look of disbelief* "Last , what? "
Jessica: "Yeah, Bill she's done in May, I think."
Bill: "You must be jesting?"
Jessica: " No, I'm not. Beside, she's starting her own cable channel".
Bill: *Begins to mumble to himself* " Just like Sookie. Once again, my heart has been torn apart.."
Jessica: * giving him the side eye* "Ah... I have a something that will cheer you up".
Bill: "Unless you're telling me my daily dose of Ms. Winfrey will continue, I doubt it "
Jessica *Pulls out the phone out the shopping bag and hands it to Bill smiling* "Surprise!"
Bill: * Looking at the phone* " What is... is this a Blackberry?"
Jessica: "See now you won't have to type with the numbers!"
Bill: *tears fill his eyes*: "Oh, my child...you have made your maker happier than a pig in sh.... well never mind. I must not curse. You are a pure, innocent girl... virgin ears must not hear such words."
Jessica: " Pig in shit. You can say it. I work in a bar, remember? Plus I'm not that innocent. Hoyt and I have a LOT of sex. I mean a lot."
Bill: * Patting Jessica on the shoulder* : "Well, well... like that the kids say these days TMI. Right, okay."
Jessica: "Bill, you okay? You look a bit flush? And you've been dead 145 years."
Bill: *Wiping his face with his hands* "Oh, yes, yes. Anyway, again thank you for the phone."
Jessica "Oh" * raising her hands up* : "Before I forget. Tomorrow, Pam's coming over".
Bill: * Now looking likes he's going to throw up*: "Oh, why in the name of all that is holy.... is that vile harlot coming to my ancestral home?"
Jessica: "Look before, like you get all weird.. she's coming over to help me... give you ...like a make-over".
Bill: *eyes widen* "Why? I'm vampire. "
Jessica: " Yeah, Bill , you're vampire. So?"
Bill: *Giving Jessica a condescending look* "My dear... Vampires do not need makeovers. We're too cool for that".
Jessica *pauses *: "Ah... Bill you need one. "
Bill: "Excuse me?'
Jessica: * Takes a deep breathe* " You're so....lame. You're clothes are so tight. They're all brown. You have man bangs. Plus.... I know you use "Just for Men" on your hair".
Bill: " I, I, I ... do not dye my hair. This all naturale".
Jessica: " Bill, the other day when Hoyt was looking for toilet paper, he looked under the sink in your bathroom and found the box of hair dye".
Bill: " Well, that's not mine..."
Jessica: " Bill...."
Bill: "Okay fine! It's mine! I've been going gray since I was 19. Before I was vampire. Please, please do not tell anyone. You see this look is my lively hood . You must not tell Pam. She will tell that maker of hers. I will be a source of amusement for those two." *mocking Pam's voice* " Hey, Eric, guess what? Man bangs dyes his hair? Hehehhehe". *grunts* " I hate that woman".
Jessica: "Bill, chill. Look Pam's coming over . As a favor to me. She promised me she will behave. Please? I promise you.. with your new look.. you'll be procuring some new Chickie before you know it."
Bill: " Oh, alright. Fine. But the minute she calls me Bat Boy, She is out of here."
Jessica * smiling* " Awesome! This is gonna be fun. Okay, go back to Oprah."
Jessica starts to head upstairs, when Bill calls to her.
Bill: "Oh, my child. Before I forget. You realize we don't have toilet paper. As we are vampire... we do not defecate. So I'm assuming Hoyt was not able to use the bathroom. Correct?"
Jessica: "Ah, well... he really needed to go. So I told him to wipe himself with a towel".
Bill: " Please tell me... it was number 1..."
Jessica: " Number 1? Oh, you mean did he pee? No, he had had Taco Bell for lunch. Yeah....he took a massive shit. Yeah... I told him to use the towels in your bathroom. * pauses* Oh wait, did I wash those?"
Bill shaking his head, heads back to the couch. Well at least he still has Oprah.
Jessica: "Hey, Bill. Watching Oprah again?"
Bill: " Ah, yes, my dear. Once again Ms. Winfrey has touched my non-beating heart". *Pauses the DVR*
Jessica: *sitting down next to him*: "What is the show about today?"
Bill: *clears his throat* "Apparently Oprah and her best friend Gayle have traveled to Peru and they have documented their travels for us.... her dear viewers".
Jessica: * playing with her hair* " Yeah, well, Oprah is in her last year, so she's going out with a bang".
Bill: * turning to Jessica with a look of disbelief* "Last , what? "
Jessica: "Yeah, Bill she's done in May, I think."
Bill: "You must be jesting?"
Jessica: " No, I'm not. Beside, she's starting her own cable channel".
Bill: *Begins to mumble to himself* " Just like Sookie. Once again, my heart has been torn apart.."
Jessica: * giving him the side eye* "Ah... I have a something that will cheer you up".
Bill: "Unless you're telling me my daily dose of Ms. Winfrey will continue, I doubt it "
Jessica *Pulls out the phone out the shopping bag and hands it to Bill smiling* "Surprise!"
Bill: * Looking at the phone* " What is... is this a Blackberry?"
Jessica: "See now you won't have to type with the numbers!"
Bill: *tears fill his eyes*: "Oh, my child...you have made your maker happier than a pig in sh.... well never mind. I must not curse. You are a pure, innocent girl... virgin ears must not hear such words."
Jessica: " Pig in shit. You can say it. I work in a bar, remember? Plus I'm not that innocent. Hoyt and I have a LOT of sex. I mean a lot."
Bill: * Patting Jessica on the shoulder* : "Well, well... like that the kids say these days TMI. Right, okay."
Jessica: "Bill, you okay? You look a bit flush? And you've been dead 145 years."
Bill: *Wiping his face with his hands* "Oh, yes, yes. Anyway, again thank you for the phone."
Jessica "Oh" * raising her hands up* : "Before I forget. Tomorrow, Pam's coming over".
Bill: * Now looking likes he's going to throw up*: "Oh, why in the name of all that is holy.... is that vile harlot coming to my ancestral home?"
Jessica: "Look before, like you get all weird.. she's coming over to help me... give you ...like a make-over".
Bill: *eyes widen* "Why? I'm vampire. "
Jessica: " Yeah, Bill , you're vampire. So?"
Bill: *Giving Jessica a condescending look* "My dear... Vampires do not need makeovers. We're too cool for that".
Jessica *pauses *: "Ah... Bill you need one. "
Bill: "Excuse me?'
Jessica: * Takes a deep breathe* " You're so....lame. You're clothes are so tight. They're all brown. You have man bangs. Plus.... I know you use "Just for Men" on your hair".
Bill: " I, I, I ... do not dye my hair. This all naturale".
Jessica: " Bill, the other day when Hoyt was looking for toilet paper, he looked under the sink in your bathroom and found the box of hair dye".
Bill: " Well, that's not mine..."
Jessica: " Bill...."
Bill: "Okay fine! It's mine! I've been going gray since I was 19. Before I was vampire. Please, please do not tell anyone. You see this look is my lively hood . You must not tell Pam. She will tell that maker of hers. I will be a source of amusement for those two." *mocking Pam's voice* " Hey, Eric, guess what? Man bangs dyes his hair? Hehehhehe". *grunts* " I hate that woman".
Jessica: "Bill, chill. Look Pam's coming over . As a favor to me. She promised me she will behave. Please? I promise you.. with your new look.. you'll be procuring some new Chickie before you know it."
Bill: " Oh, alright. Fine. But the minute she calls me Bat Boy, She is out of here."
Jessica * smiling* " Awesome! This is gonna be fun. Okay, go back to Oprah."
Jessica starts to head upstairs, when Bill calls to her.
Bill: "Oh, my child. Before I forget. You realize we don't have toilet paper. As we are vampire... we do not defecate. So I'm assuming Hoyt was not able to use the bathroom. Correct?"
Jessica: "Ah, well... he really needed to go. So I told him to wipe himself with a towel".
Bill: " Please tell me... it was number 1..."
Jessica: " Number 1? Oh, you mean did he pee? No, he had had Taco Bell for lunch. Yeah....he took a massive shit. Yeah... I told him to use the towels in your bathroom. * pauses* Oh wait, did I wash those?"
Bill shaking his head, heads back to the couch. Well at least he still has Oprah.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Jessica calls Pam about giving Bill a makeover
Jessica being concern that her "maker" is spending his evening playing Wii and recycling his True Blood bottles. She decides that he needs a girlfriend. Now Jessica knows that his outdated clothes and man bangs will not get him laid. So she contacts the coolest person she knows.....Besides Eric.........her idol...... Pam.
Ring, Ring....
Pam: "Fangtasia, where sex with the dead meets the living...... unless of course... you're ugly as shit."
Jesscia: *giggles* "Hey, Pam , it's Jess."
Pam: " Hey girlfriend, what are you up to this crappy evening? Bill got you trimming his toes nails?"
Jessica: "Gross. Ah, no. But I am calling about Bill."
Pam: * Letting out a sigh* "I thought we were friends?"
Jessica: "Yeah, sorry, but I need your help."
Pam: *Perking up* : "Please tell me he met the sun and you need help getting rid of the ashes. That would be like Christmas morning... if I gave a shit about Christmas."
Jessica: "Sorry, Pam. Yeah, I wanted you to help me give Bill a make-over."
Silent pause. Then Pam starts laughing.
Pam: "Jess... You know Sookie's with Eric, right? "
Jessica: "Yeah, yeah... that ship has sailed. Besides, Bill vs Eric.... Yeah, that's easy. Cuz Bill is sooo not Eric. DUH!"
Pam: "No kidding. "
Jessica: * Playing with her hair* :" It's just that Bill is lonely. All he does is play Wii and his recycling. I ...mean like.. creepy Franklin comes over and stuff..."
Pam: * Cutting Jessica off*: "Franklin? Mott?"
Jessica: "You know him?"
Pam * doing a full body shiver*: "Yeah, there's a reason why I sleep with women now. The guy's a fucking freak."
Jessica: "OMG! I know! He asked me to give him a lap dance. Gross!"
Pam: * Getting a serious tone to her voice* : "Don't let that freak touch you! Figures Bleeh, likes to hang out with Franklin. Look Jess, I'm gonna use a line Jim Morrison once told me..."
Jessica * gasping* "Wait, you knew Jim Morrison?"
Pam: *smiling*: "Knew him? Honey, I fucked him left ways to side ways. Anyway, Jim told me "You can't soar like an eagle, when you fly with turkeys". He also told me my vagina was like nirvana and pink lemonade all at once."
Jessica: *sighing* " You are even cooler than Eric".
Pam: "I know. Don't tell him that. Deep down inside, he's all mush."
Jessica: "Wow."
Pam: " Look Jess, what did you have in mind for Bleeh? You know..... we could cut those man bangs and get him some pants that fit..... but we can't fix asshole."
Jessica: *whines* " But maybe he wouldn't be SUCH an asshole, if he had a girlfriend."
Pam:* Filing her nails*: "Have you forgotten about his relationship with Sookie? "
Jessica: "yeah, but I think he's willing to change. Right?"
Pam: " You keep living that fantasy."
Jessica: "Okay."
Pam: * sighing* "Look doll, let me think about it. You're lucky I like you".
Jessica * jumping up and down* : "You totally rule!"
Pam: " I know. I gotta go. Some hot burnette just came in an lavendar dress. That happens to be my favorite color."
Jessica: "Okay, cool. Later"
Pam: "Yeah, later..."
Click.
Ring, Ring....
Pam: "Fangtasia, where sex with the dead meets the living...... unless of course... you're ugly as shit."
Jesscia: *giggles* "Hey, Pam , it's Jess."
Pam: " Hey girlfriend, what are you up to this crappy evening? Bill got you trimming his toes nails?"
Jessica: "Gross. Ah, no. But I am calling about Bill."
Pam: * Letting out a sigh* "I thought we were friends?"
Jessica: "Yeah, sorry, but I need your help."
Pam: *Perking up* : "Please tell me he met the sun and you need help getting rid of the ashes. That would be like Christmas morning... if I gave a shit about Christmas."
Jessica: "Sorry, Pam. Yeah, I wanted you to help me give Bill a make-over."
Silent pause. Then Pam starts laughing.
Pam: "Jess... You know Sookie's with Eric, right? "
Jessica: "Yeah, yeah... that ship has sailed. Besides, Bill vs Eric.... Yeah, that's easy. Cuz Bill is sooo not Eric. DUH!"
Pam: "No kidding. "
Jessica: * Playing with her hair* :" It's just that Bill is lonely. All he does is play Wii and his recycling. I ...mean like.. creepy Franklin comes over and stuff..."
Pam: * Cutting Jessica off*: "Franklin? Mott?"
Jessica: "You know him?"
Pam * doing a full body shiver*: "Yeah, there's a reason why I sleep with women now. The guy's a fucking freak."
Jessica: "OMG! I know! He asked me to give him a lap dance. Gross!"
Pam: * Getting a serious tone to her voice* : "Don't let that freak touch you! Figures Bleeh, likes to hang out with Franklin. Look Jess, I'm gonna use a line Jim Morrison once told me..."
Jessica * gasping* "Wait, you knew Jim Morrison?"
Pam: *smiling*: "Knew him? Honey, I fucked him left ways to side ways. Anyway, Jim told me "You can't soar like an eagle, when you fly with turkeys". He also told me my vagina was like nirvana and pink lemonade all at once."
Jessica: *sighing* " You are even cooler than Eric".
Pam: "I know. Don't tell him that. Deep down inside, he's all mush."
Jessica: "Wow."
Pam: " Look Jess, what did you have in mind for Bleeh? You know..... we could cut those man bangs and get him some pants that fit..... but we can't fix asshole."
Jessica: *whines* " But maybe he wouldn't be SUCH an asshole, if he had a girlfriend."
Pam:* Filing her nails*: "Have you forgotten about his relationship with Sookie? "
Jessica: "yeah, but I think he's willing to change. Right?"
Pam: " You keep living that fantasy."
Jessica: "Okay."
Pam: * sighing* "Look doll, let me think about it. You're lucky I like you".
Jessica * jumping up and down* : "You totally rule!"
Pam: " I know. I gotta go. Some hot burnette just came in an lavendar dress. That happens to be my favorite color."
Jessica: "Okay, cool. Later"
Pam: "Yeah, later..."
Click.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Bill hangs out with Franklin.
Bill invites his friend Franklin Mott over. A vampire who has a very sexy British accent and the fastest person undead or alive, you'll ever see texting. The evening entails True Blood and golf on Bill's Wii. Of course Franklin is bored to tears (because he's cool) and is trying desperately to get Bill out of the house.
Franklin: "Bloody hell! Let's get the fuck out here. I'm in desperate need of sex and some real blood".
Bill: * while putting it into the 8th hole @ Pebble Beach* " May I remind you Franklin, that you are enjoying a quality blend of True blood. Part Type O negative and Ab positive. It's very refreshing."
Franklin: *rolls his eyes* "Are you mad, man? This taste like crap. You've been mainstreaming too long".
Bill lets out a gasp as he misses the hole. ( Sounds like what Sookie put up with during their love making) . Bill stares at Franklin for a few moments.
Franklin: "I'm serious man. Come on. Let's go hit a few titty bars. I need some release".
Bill * laughing* : "Oh, dear friend. We're not young men anymore. That time has passed".
Franklin: " Speak for yourself. Have you been neutered? "
From the hallway , Jessica comes into the parlor. It's really a living room but that's what Bill calls it.
Jessica: "Franklin, he is so like NOT Eric. He is like some middle age cat lady with his Oprah and crappy throat music."
Franklin* now laughing* : "See "Ginger" here is right. You act like some old bird".
Bill now is annoyed. He gives Jessica a dirty look.
Bill: " Are you done with your nastiness?"
Jessica: " Ah.. not really".
Now Bill notices that Jessica is dressed like what he would call a "Harlot". Mini skit, black boots, tight t-shirt and leather jacket.
Bill: "Please explain this outfit. you look like a ..."
Jessica: "Let me a guess? A harlot".
Franklin now is laughing so hard, he's has to sit down on Bill formerly flea infested couch.
Bill: *gunts* " I can not permit you to leave this residence in such an outfit"
Jessica * let's out a sigh* : "I have to work tonight ".
Franklin: " Please tell me your dancing somewhere now. Daddy's got a pocket full of ones burning a hole in his pants". * Winks at her*
Jessica* Looking at Franklin* "YUCK! "
Bill: " Where are you going?"
Jessica: " I'm helping at Fangtasia tonight. Pam called to see if I wanted to make some extra cash and wait some tables. They have a private party. That Nan Flanagan is having her 375th birthday there tonight".
Bill: * Now the wheels in his pea brain are slowly moving* "Perhaps.... you should let me drive you to Shreveport".
Jessica: " No. Sookie isn't going to be there. Eric took her to Sweden on vacation.Besides.... I have someone giving me a ride".
Bill: "Oh. *grunts* Of course he did".
Franklin: "Oh geesh, Bill.... * waving his arms* you gotta get over Sookie".
Bill: "Never! She is mine!"
Franklin: "Ah no....she's not. Face the facts Bill. Viking wins. Bigger wallet, better looking, bigger dick plus he can fly. If I was a chick.... I'd fuck him too".
Bill:*stares at Franklin* " Who's driving you?"
Jessica: "Tara"
Bill: *grunts* "That crazy woman!!!! I can't permit this!!!!!!! She's bonkers!!!!"
Franklin: *gets up walks towards Jessica* " Who's Tara?"
Bill: " She's Sookie oldest friend and the craziest person alive".
Franklin: "OOOh, I'm intrigued"
Jessica: "She's helping at the bar tonight as well "
Ding dong , door bell rings.
Jessica opens the door, let's Tara in.
Jessica: "Hey! Let me grab my purse".
Tara: " Cool"
Tara sees Bill. They exchange glances.
Tara: "Well, well... motherfucker".
Bill: "Tara, you're as charming as ever".
Tara: " Who's your friend?"
Franklin smiles at Tara.
Franklin: "Hello, darling... My name is Franklin Mott".
Tara * looks him up and down* " Hi *dryly* What are you doing hang out with Man bangs?"
Bill grunts and turns his back to her - "Vile witch"
Franklin * laughing* " Man Bangs? Ooo.. I like that.* winks at Bill* I've known Bill for centuries. Are you Sookie's bestie?"
Tara: "Yeah"
Franklin *smiling* - "I must say you're much prettier".
Bill *gasping* - "Tara is vile creature. She can not be compare to the miracle that is Sookie".
Tara: " Motherfucker, you need to shut up before I make sure your ass meets the sun".
Franklin *laughing*- "Oh Tara, I have never been so turned on in my life".
Tara *Eye balling Franklin* - "Well Jessica and I need to go. Nice to meet you Franklin. "
Jesscia: " Bill, I'll be back before dawn. Bye Franklin".
Franklin: " Yeah, see ya ladies... Oh and Tara, I'll be calling on you soon".
Tara smiles at Franklin. The ladies walk out.
Franklin hits Bill on the shoulder.
Franklin: "What the bloody hell is wrong with you?!?!"
Bill: "What?"
Franklin "That Tara is a fucking perfect. Mmmm. I'd love to give her..."
Bill: "Enough. I need to finish my game".
Franklin: " I'm beginning to think those tight pants are cutting off the oxygen to your brain".
Bill ignores Franklin.
Franklin * Let's out a deep breath" - "Where's your phone book, mate?"
Bill" Why?"
Franklin: " I need a hooker and a pizza".
Franklin: "Bloody hell! Let's get the fuck out here. I'm in desperate need of sex and some real blood".
Bill: * while putting it into the 8th hole @ Pebble Beach* " May I remind you Franklin, that you are enjoying a quality blend of True blood. Part Type O negative and Ab positive. It's very refreshing."
Franklin: *rolls his eyes* "Are you mad, man? This taste like crap. You've been mainstreaming too long".
Bill lets out a gasp as he misses the hole. ( Sounds like what Sookie put up with during their love making) . Bill stares at Franklin for a few moments.
Franklin: "I'm serious man. Come on. Let's go hit a few titty bars. I need some release".
Bill * laughing* : "Oh, dear friend. We're not young men anymore. That time has passed".
Franklin: " Speak for yourself. Have you been neutered? "
From the hallway , Jessica comes into the parlor. It's really a living room but that's what Bill calls it.
Jessica: "Franklin, he is so like NOT Eric. He is like some middle age cat lady with his Oprah and crappy throat music."
Franklin* now laughing* : "See "Ginger" here is right. You act like some old bird".
Bill now is annoyed. He gives Jessica a dirty look.
Bill: " Are you done with your nastiness?"
Jessica: " Ah.. not really".
Now Bill notices that Jessica is dressed like what he would call a "Harlot". Mini skit, black boots, tight t-shirt and leather jacket.
Bill: "Please explain this outfit. you look like a ..."
Jessica: "Let me a guess? A harlot".
Franklin now is laughing so hard, he's has to sit down on Bill formerly flea infested couch.
Bill: *gunts* " I can not permit you to leave this residence in such an outfit"
Jessica * let's out a sigh* : "I have to work tonight ".
Franklin: " Please tell me your dancing somewhere now. Daddy's got a pocket full of ones burning a hole in his pants". * Winks at her*
Jessica* Looking at Franklin* "YUCK! "
Bill: " Where are you going?"
Jessica: " I'm helping at Fangtasia tonight. Pam called to see if I wanted to make some extra cash and wait some tables. They have a private party. That Nan Flanagan is having her 375th birthday there tonight".
Bill: * Now the wheels in his pea brain are slowly moving* "Perhaps.... you should let me drive you to Shreveport".
Jessica: " No. Sookie isn't going to be there. Eric took her to Sweden on vacation.Besides.... I have someone giving me a ride".
Bill: "Oh. *grunts* Of course he did".
Franklin: "Oh geesh, Bill.... * waving his arms* you gotta get over Sookie".
Bill: "Never! She is mine!"
Franklin: "Ah no....she's not. Face the facts Bill. Viking wins. Bigger wallet, better looking, bigger dick plus he can fly. If I was a chick.... I'd fuck him too".
Bill:*stares at Franklin* " Who's driving you?"
Jessica: "Tara"
Bill: *grunts* "That crazy woman!!!! I can't permit this!!!!!!! She's bonkers!!!!"
Franklin: *gets up walks towards Jessica* " Who's Tara?"
Bill: " She's Sookie oldest friend and the craziest person alive".
Franklin: "OOOh, I'm intrigued"
Jessica: "She's helping at the bar tonight as well "
Ding dong , door bell rings.
Jessica opens the door, let's Tara in.
Jessica: "Hey! Let me grab my purse".
Tara: " Cool"
Tara sees Bill. They exchange glances.
Tara: "Well, well... motherfucker".
Bill: "Tara, you're as charming as ever".
Tara: " Who's your friend?"
Franklin smiles at Tara.
Franklin: "Hello, darling... My name is Franklin Mott".
Tara * looks him up and down* " Hi *dryly* What are you doing hang out with Man bangs?"
Bill grunts and turns his back to her - "Vile witch"
Franklin * laughing* " Man Bangs? Ooo.. I like that.* winks at Bill* I've known Bill for centuries. Are you Sookie's bestie?"
Tara: "Yeah"
Franklin *smiling* - "I must say you're much prettier".
Bill *gasping* - "Tara is vile creature. She can not be compare to the miracle that is Sookie".
Tara: " Motherfucker, you need to shut up before I make sure your ass meets the sun".
Franklin *laughing*- "Oh Tara, I have never been so turned on in my life".
Tara *Eye balling Franklin* - "Well Jessica and I need to go. Nice to meet you Franklin. "
Jesscia: " Bill, I'll be back before dawn. Bye Franklin".
Franklin: " Yeah, see ya ladies... Oh and Tara, I'll be calling on you soon".
Tara smiles at Franklin. The ladies walk out.
Franklin hits Bill on the shoulder.
Franklin: "What the bloody hell is wrong with you?!?!"
Bill: "What?"
Franklin "That Tara is a fucking perfect. Mmmm. I'd love to give her..."
Bill: "Enough. I need to finish my game".
Franklin: " I'm beginning to think those tight pants are cutting off the oxygen to your brain".
Bill ignores Franklin.
Franklin * Let's out a deep breath" - "Where's your phone book, mate?"
Bill" Why?"
Franklin: " I need a hooker and a pizza".
Friday, October 15, 2010
Bill has fleas.
As Bill sits on his red couch to watch another episode of "Oprah", he can feel something biting his skin. At first he ignores it, much like his maker duties. However, it becomes so uncomfortable, he has to pause the show. "Damn" he thinks to himself. Dr. Oz was on explaining premature ejactualtion and it pecked his interest. (Yeah, that's for another blog entry, my darling viking fans).
Any who, Bill calls out to his "child" Jessica, who is upstairs in her room. Unlike, Bill, she actually mainstreams. She has a job as a server at Merlotte's, as well as a boyfriend. And unlike Bill and his former flame , Sookie, Jess' BF actually loves her. Jess doesn't have to lie and feed Hoyt her blood to keep him around.
Bill: *grunts* "Ah, Jessica, my child, can you come down her , please"
Jessica: * who just worked an 8 hour shift and just wants to relax with a People magazine* "What?!"
Bill: "I need to show you something, my dear, most urgently..."
Jessica: "Fine, I'll be right there" *as she's getting up, she says to herself* "What now Bill? Let me guess, I you can't find your Kenny G. CD and you think I have it. I so need to move out. This fucker annoys me more than Arlene on her period".
When she gets downstairs,Bill is on his knees, sniffing the couch. Jessica thinks to herself, "Where is Pam and her sarcastic remarks when I need them".
Jessica: "What are you doing?"
Bill: "Ah... my dear... I believe we have ... fleas. Has that dastardly Sam Merlotte been in this house?"
Jessica: " No, why?"
Standing up and giving Jessica a smirk and a head shake
Bill: "You see, I'm vampire. Sam is a shifter. And you see... Sam shifts into a dog."
Jessica: "So? and besides, Bill, everyone knows your "vampire". Like, you don't let anyone forget. Besides, your as pale as the moon and you're as cold as a block of ice. Duh, like I think he's dead." * mocking him *, " I'm vampire. I'm mainstreaming. Soooookie, is mine". * starts laughing at Bill*
Bill: *grunts* " Ah, I see what we have here. *giggling* I believe it is called, "Teen Angst". I know all about this. I too enjoy a good episode of "Gossip Girl" here and there. So your mockery of me , does not effect me."
Jessica rolls her eyes at Bill.
Bill: "So... my dear has Sam been here?'
Jessica: *staring Bill with disgust* " Ah, no."
Bill: * now grunts and pacing the floor* " Then.... where did these fleas come from? I can not bare to live with these pesky creatures. My face and my body are my lively hood."
Jessica: * Now trying not to laugh at him* " Like, you're losing your mind. Don't you remember who was here just two days ago?"
Bill now is silent.... as the Rolodex in his peas size brain tries to remember who was at his ancestral home this week.
Jessica : "Look Grandpa.... remember? Alcide was just here remodeling the office ".
Bill: * breathes deeply" "Yes, and so what?"
Jesscia: " He's a WERE , you dummy! * Bill stares at her blanky* " He turns into a WOLF ".
Bill : "And ?"
Jessica : * let's out a sigh* " Never mind, Bill. Just go up to Piggly Wiggly and get a bug bomb. You can set it off , when we turn in before dawn. The fleas will be dead when we wake up".
Bill: " Well, I suppose you're correct" *grunts*
Jessica: "Are we done? "
Bill: "Yes."
Jessica stomps up the stairs, mumbles to herself, "I have got to move out".
Any who, Bill calls out to his "child" Jessica, who is upstairs in her room. Unlike, Bill, she actually mainstreams. She has a job as a server at Merlotte's, as well as a boyfriend. And unlike Bill and his former flame , Sookie, Jess' BF actually loves her. Jess doesn't have to lie and feed Hoyt her blood to keep him around.
Bill: *grunts* "Ah, Jessica, my child, can you come down her , please"
Jessica: * who just worked an 8 hour shift and just wants to relax with a People magazine* "What?!"
Bill: "I need to show you something, my dear, most urgently..."
Jessica: "Fine, I'll be right there" *as she's getting up, she says to herself* "What now Bill? Let me guess, I you can't find your Kenny G. CD and you think I have it. I so need to move out. This fucker annoys me more than Arlene on her period".
When she gets downstairs,Bill is on his knees, sniffing the couch. Jessica thinks to herself, "Where is Pam and her sarcastic remarks when I need them".
Jessica: "What are you doing?"
Bill: "Ah... my dear... I believe we have ... fleas. Has that dastardly Sam Merlotte been in this house?"
Jessica: " No, why?"
Standing up and giving Jessica a smirk and a head shake
Bill: "You see, I'm vampire. Sam is a shifter. And you see... Sam shifts into a dog."
Jessica: "So? and besides, Bill, everyone knows your "vampire". Like, you don't let anyone forget. Besides, your as pale as the moon and you're as cold as a block of ice. Duh, like I think he's dead." * mocking him *, " I'm vampire. I'm mainstreaming. Soooookie, is mine". * starts laughing at Bill*
Bill: *grunts* " Ah, I see what we have here. *giggling* I believe it is called, "Teen Angst". I know all about this. I too enjoy a good episode of "Gossip Girl" here and there. So your mockery of me , does not effect me."
Jessica rolls her eyes at Bill.
Bill: "So... my dear has Sam been here?'
Jessica: *staring Bill with disgust* " Ah, no."
Bill: * now grunts and pacing the floor* " Then.... where did these fleas come from? I can not bare to live with these pesky creatures. My face and my body are my lively hood."
Jessica: * Now trying not to laugh at him* " Like, you're losing your mind. Don't you remember who was here just two days ago?"
Bill now is silent.... as the Rolodex in his peas size brain tries to remember who was at his ancestral home this week.
Jessica : "Look Grandpa.... remember? Alcide was just here remodeling the office ".
Bill: * breathes deeply" "Yes, and so what?"
Jesscia: " He's a WERE , you dummy! * Bill stares at her blanky* " He turns into a WOLF ".
Bill : "And ?"
Jessica : * let's out a sigh* " Never mind, Bill. Just go up to Piggly Wiggly and get a bug bomb. You can set it off , when we turn in before dawn. The fleas will be dead when we wake up".
Bill: " Well, I suppose you're correct" *grunts*
Jessica: "Are we done? "
Bill: "Yes."
Jessica stomps up the stairs, mumbles to herself, "I have got to move out".
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Bill calls Sookie......Yeah, like that's a good idea.
Bill is doing an inventory of his home library. Yeah, he's that lame that on a Saturday night, he's arranging his books in alphabetic order. He realizes as he gets to his self help books, he's missing a couple of titles. Hmmmm. This will be his excuse to contact Sookie.
Ring, Ring,
*giggling can be heard as her phone is being answered. Then a male voice is pretending to be Sookie answers the phone*
?: "Hellooooo....."
Bill: "Ah.. Sookie, my dear it's William L. Compton"
? : "Que?"
Bill: "Oh, my apologizes... have I reached La Casa de Sookie Stackhouse?"
? : * more giggling* " Hey Bat Boy, it's Eric... you're such a dumb ass, hang on... "
Sookie: * Laughing very loudly* "Bill, what do you want?"
Bill: * grunts* "Sookie, I do not appreciate being used as a source of you and Mr. Northman's amusement."
* More giggling*
Eric: *coughs* "Pussy."
Sookie: " Look I told you not to contact me anymore. What do you want?"
Bill: " You truly like to hurt me don't you, Sookie?"
*Sookie moving her right hand in a jerk off motion. Eric is laughing even harder now*
Sookie: "Here we go again... Ah, Billy is the victim....... Wah, every one's against him, Wah... "
Eric- * coughs* "Loser".
Bill- * grunting* "Is he listening in? How dare he!!!"
Eric: *coughs* "Man bangs*
Sookie: " What do you want ? We're busy?"
* Eric points to the bathroom and mouths, "Shower time , Lover"*
Bill: * clears throat* " I was wondering if you had 2 of my books."
Sookie: * letting out a sigh* " You can't be serious? You called about books ?"
* At this point Eric is turning on the shower . The steam is starting to rise."
Bill:" Yes, as I have explained to you before... since I'm vampire..."
*Sookie is now watching Eric undress... not listening to Bill*
Sookie: " Huh?"
Bill: "Are you listening to me?"
*Sookie now notices Eric is now totally naked. He turns around and winks at her*
Bill: "As I was saying I'm vampire...there was a time before TV and the Internet ....books were our gateway to the outside world... So my dear...books are so very important to..."
* Sookie cuts Bill off*
Sookie: " What books are you looking for Bill? Quickly!!!!"
Bill: " Well... you seem uninterested in our conversation... What could be more interesting than speaking with me?"
* Eric calls out to Sookie*
Eric: "Lover, where did you put the soap? Did we use up that last bar ?"
Sookie: "Ah, medicine cabinet... I'll be right there... "
Bill: "Sookie, you are being quite rude. I am speaking to you..... Hello, Sookie"
Sookie: " Look Bill, I need to go, so what are the books? "
Bill: "Well let's see... there is the Dr. Phil book ..hmmm...... Then "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"... let's see..."
*Eric calls from the bathroom*
Eric: *smiling* "Lover... A gracious plenty awaits you..."
Sookie: " Look Bill, I'll check my books, I HAVE TO GO!"
Bill: "Sookie , you sound like your in trouble. Do you need my assistance?"
Sookie: **starts laughing** " Fuck no... " as she's hanging up the phone.. "Eric, Your Lover's ready for her viking boat ride......"
Click.
Ring, Ring,
*giggling can be heard as her phone is being answered. Then a male voice is pretending to be Sookie answers the phone*
?: "Hellooooo....."
Bill: "Ah.. Sookie, my dear it's William L. Compton"
? : "Que?"
Bill: "Oh, my apologizes... have I reached La Casa de Sookie Stackhouse?"
? : * more giggling* " Hey Bat Boy, it's Eric... you're such a dumb ass, hang on... "
Sookie: * Laughing very loudly* "Bill, what do you want?"
Bill: * grunts* "Sookie, I do not appreciate being used as a source of you and Mr. Northman's amusement."
* More giggling*
Eric: *coughs* "Pussy."
Sookie: " Look I told you not to contact me anymore. What do you want?"
Bill: " You truly like to hurt me don't you, Sookie?"
*Sookie moving her right hand in a jerk off motion. Eric is laughing even harder now*
Sookie: "Here we go again... Ah, Billy is the victim....... Wah, every one's against him, Wah... "
Eric- * coughs* "Loser".
Bill- * grunting* "Is he listening in? How dare he!!!"
Eric: *coughs* "Man bangs*
Sookie: " What do you want ? We're busy?"
* Eric points to the bathroom and mouths, "Shower time , Lover"*
Bill: * clears throat* " I was wondering if you had 2 of my books."
Sookie: * letting out a sigh* " You can't be serious? You called about books ?"
* At this point Eric is turning on the shower . The steam is starting to rise."
Bill:" Yes, as I have explained to you before... since I'm vampire..."
*Sookie is now watching Eric undress... not listening to Bill*
Sookie: " Huh?"
Bill: "Are you listening to me?"
*Sookie now notices Eric is now totally naked. He turns around and winks at her*
Bill: "As I was saying I'm vampire...there was a time before TV and the Internet ....books were our gateway to the outside world... So my dear...books are so very important to..."
* Sookie cuts Bill off*
Sookie: " What books are you looking for Bill? Quickly!!!!"
Bill: " Well... you seem uninterested in our conversation... What could be more interesting than speaking with me?"
* Eric calls out to Sookie*
Eric: "Lover, where did you put the soap? Did we use up that last bar ?"
Sookie: "Ah, medicine cabinet... I'll be right there... "
Bill: "Sookie, you are being quite rude. I am speaking to you..... Hello, Sookie"
Sookie: " Look Bill, I need to go, so what are the books? "
Bill: "Well let's see... there is the Dr. Phil book ..hmmm...... Then "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"... let's see..."
*Eric calls from the bathroom*
Eric: *smiling* "Lover... A gracious plenty awaits you..."
Sookie: " Look Bill, I'll check my books, I HAVE TO GO!"
Bill: "Sookie , you sound like your in trouble. Do you need my assistance?"
Sookie: **starts laughing** " Fuck no... " as she's hanging up the phone.. "Eric, Your Lover's ready for her viking boat ride......"
Click.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Bill discovers Oprah... *eye roll*
As you know, Trubies, Bill is the world's worst "Maker". After "turning" Jessica, Bat Boy dumps her at Eric and Pam's. Eventually, Eric returns Jessica to her maker. As Eric reminds Bill, 'There are favors, then there are favors". So like any crappy "maker", Bill ignores Jessica. Of course now that Sookie has come to her senses and finally dumped Bill. There's not much for Bat Boy to do except for recycle and play golf on his Wii. Then he watches a very special episode of "Oprah" on his DVR. Jessica's gonna wish he NEVER did.
Jessica comes in before dawn , after spending the night with her boyfriend Hoyt. Bill is sitting on his couch, wiping his bloody croc tears from eyes.
Jessica: "Bill, you okay?"
Bill: "Yes, my child... *breathing deeply* Have you ever seen this "Oprah" show?"
Jessica: " Ahh, yeah, she's been on for ...like... forever..Did you just find out about this? I DVR it everyday."
Bill: *blowing his nose* "No, I just have never really watched it before... it's.. soo.. I can not find the words that describe how inspiring this woman is.. *tears roll down his face*..."
Jessica: "Yeah, she rocks, dude. She's like AWESOME! Plus she like rules the world. I'm not kidding.
Bill: " I just watched a weeks worth while you were out. I'm emotionally drained. * giggles* Drained. Get it?"
Jessica: "Yeah.. you're so lame."
Bill: *grunts a bit* " Well I know....I'm no Jack Benny... but I know that can deliver a pun with the best of them'.
Jessica "Who? "
Bill: * waving his hand* "Never mind"
Jessica: "Okay.. like goodnight Bill.."
Bill: "Ah, Jessica , may I have a word with you?"
Jessica: *rolling her eyes* "What?" *whining a bit
Bill: *patting sofa* "Please join me my dear... on the sofa."
Jessica : * looking at cell phone* "Okay, but I wanted to call Hoyt before bed."
Bill: * Looking puzzled* "But you just spent the evening with him"
Jessica: " And?"
Bill: " My dear, as your maker, I'm concerned that our bond is not as strong as it once was".
Jessica: * Looking at Bill with disgust* " Bill, like what are you talking about?"
Bill: "Well, my child I feel I have disappointed you.."
* Jessica puts her hand up to his face*
Jessica : "Look, we don't have a bond. You're like so lame. You turn me and then dump me with Pam and Eric. Which was like fun, but ... then I end up back here. With like your stupid rule about drinking only True Blood. By the way....that shit taste like Tuna Helper. "
Bill: " Look my dear.. I feel your anger... you see because I'm Vampire and your my child..."
*Jessica puts hand back up*
Jessica: "I know your a vampire dumb ass. Everybody knows your a "fucking vampire". And don't call me your child. Guess who taught me about drinking human blood ? Pam".
* Bill gasp*
Jessica: "That's right, Bill. She also told me how to get rid of the first guy I ever killed. Oh ,and she taught me about Spanx too... ** smiles** "Pam .....sooo rocks!"
Bill: 'Well I'm deeply sorry ... * clearing his throat* "I have disappointed you as your maker."
Jessica: "Yeah, well..you should be".
Bill: *smiling a bit* "I would like to start anew with you. I'd like to become the maker that you, my child deserve."
Jessica: *smiling* "Yeah, sure, I guess... what do you have in mind?"
Bill: "Well Oprah has this thing called a "Book Club". I thought we might be able to start one together. "
Jessica- * rolling her eyes* - "You can't be serious?"
Bill: " Oh yes, my dear... Perhaps "Eat, Pray, Love" as our first book... have you heard of it?"
Jessica: *getting up off the couch* "Yeah, can we talk about this later? I need to call Hoyt".
Bill: " Well of course , my child..."
*Jessica walking up the stairs... Bill stands at the bottom of them*
Bill- " Well I look forward to continuing.. are .. ah.. talk... I look forward to our Maker, child bonding time... It will be..."
Jessica slams her bedroom door.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Bill calls Lorena
Bill calls Lorena the next evening to give her a piece of his mind. Yeah, sure Bill....
Ring, ring.....
A gentlemen in a proper British voice answers Lorena's phone: " Good evening, Krasiki Residence"
Bill: "Yes, Anthony , this is William S. Compton calling for Miss Krasiki"
Anthony (pauses) : "Oh, yes, William. Well Ms. Krasiki is unavailable at this time."
Bill: " Anthony, I don't have times for Miss Krasiki's game, I must speak to her most urgently."
Anthony: "William, may I remind you... your maker prefers the title of Ms. over Miss. To quote her, "Miss is so 1959. "
Bill:( Raising his voice) "Enough of these shenanigans , Anthony... I must speak with Lorena at once"
Anthony: "Hang on." (mumbles to himself) "Asshole"
After waiting a few minutes, Lorena comes to the phone.
Lorena: "This better be good Billy. I'm in the middle of "Project Runway"."
Bill: "Lorena, I need to know why you sent me that Muffin Basket. Plus you left me some lovely dovey message on my answering machine."
Lorena: "What? I can't be nice? I should be pissed at you considering you twisted my neck the last time we hooked up. My chiropractor said you messed up my alignment."
Bill: " What is it that you desire from me at this time? Because quite frankly.... Lorena.... my Rolodex is quite full these days and my calendar is busting at the seams."
Lorena: "Who are you fooling? Number one, who the hell uses a Rolodex anymore? Those things went out with Monica Lewnisky jokes. Number 2, calendar busting at the seams? Yeah, sure. Like your pants."
Bill: " Now, now.... may I remind you ... that it was you who said my back side was made for tights pants."
Lorena: (laughing loudly)"Yeah, stupid......... in the 1970's."
Bill grunts into the phone. Lorena laughs for another minute.
Lorena: "Look Billy, I do want something..."
Bill: "I knew it! Your dastardly harlot! "
Lorena: "You are so 1867... Look I need to switch time share weeks."
Bill: "Our place in Anchorage? "
Lorena: "Yeah, I could use a vacation and the week of New Year's seems perfect. The days are shorter. There are plenty of men and Mama could use a little fun."
Bill: "What if I have plans for New Year's?"
Lorena: "You can watch Dick Clark in Bon Temps."
Bill: "How dare you? You know I'm single at the present moment.... However, I know that I will not be alone on New Year's."
Lorena: (Playing with her hair and rolling her eyes) " Can I have the week or not?"
Bill: (Grunts) "Fine. "
Lorena : (Smiling) 'Thank you.... (blows a kiss).... My little southern fried grit."
Bill: "I hate it when you call me that."
Lorena: "No, you don't."
Click.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Bill receives a muffin basket
It appears that someone does love Bill Compton after all. Earlier today Bill receives a muffin basket. The note is very "mysterious" and of course Bill assumes ........and you know what they say when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me. So Bat Boy calls "Grammy Ellen's" muffins.
Ring ring...
"Hello and thank you for calling Grammy Ellen's Muffins. For English press one, for Espanol press two, for Ancient Vampire languages press three".
He presses one, because of course.... he's MAINSTREAMING
A perky cheerleader type answers the call: "Thank you for calling Grammy Ellen's, this Debbie, how can I assist you?"
Bill: "Yes, Miss Debbie... This William M. Compton, I received one of your pastry baskets this fine evening".
Debbie: "Yes, Mr. Compton, I hope you're enjoying your basket"
Bill: "Well that is the issue. You see... ah.. Miss Debbie.. I'm Vampire and well we can not enjoy things like humans can, for instance ....... the dozen blueberry and cranberry muffins, that occupies this lovely...basket.. that looks like the baskets my mother use to weave.... Though this one appears to be made in China... hmmm"
Debbie: "Oh, that is a shame. We do have Vampire basket. I would be more than happy to rush you out another one".
Bill: "Ahhhh, yes... Debbie that would be.... most... delightful indeed"
Debbie: "Well we have our bloody clot collection that is our most popular. How does that sound?"
Bill: "Oh, Debbie it is as if... well you can read my mind... You're not part Fae are you?"
Debbie: "Fae? No, I'm Irish"
Bill: " *laughing* You Debbie are such a card"
Debbie: "So I guess the Bloody Clot collection it is!"
Bill; "Oh, Debbie I do have another question... I must say... this one is a puzzle, I hope to solve... though .. *giggling* .. I believe.... I know the answer"
Debbie: "Your question?"
Bill: "Oh, yes... forgive me...I see that on the card it is simply signed, " If only..." Oh, Debbie I must know... who is this angel.. that sent me this sweet by useless gift".
Debbie: " Okay........ Compton? Your zip?"
Bill: "Oh, yes, my dear that would be 70000... I feel like a child on Christmas morning,,, awaiting that special gift.."
Debbie: "Okay, here it is... Oh, it's from someone named Lorena.."
Bill: "Dammit! That vile,abominable, detestable, horrendous harlot..."
Debbie: ** breathes in deeply** "Soooo, this isn't who you thought it was?"
Bill: " You must understand , Miss Debbie, this woman... I do use that term loosely... is my maker... because I'm Vampire...."
Debbie: ** rolling her eyes** "Maybe she's trying to be nice "
Bill: " I doubt that. She must be still be upset about that neck twisting.....*sighs* Well that's neither here nor there"
Debbie: "Well I'll send you that Clot basket out tomorrow. That should cheer you up"
Bill: "Oh, Debbie, you're most thoughtful. "
Debbie: "Glad I could help. Anything else I can do for you this evening?"
Bill: " Well.. *giggling* only if... *snickering* ... Oh, I must behave...."
Debbie: ** lifting a pad of paper that reads " I have a perv on the phone" and showing it to the person in the cubicle next to her** ......."Yeah, Goodnight, Mr. Compton"
Bill: "Yes .. *breathing heavily* ... yes, yes..... indeeeeee..........
Click...
Debbie: ** breathes in deeply** "Soooo, this isn't who you thought it was?"
Bill: " You must understand , Miss Debbie, this woman... I do use that term loosely... is my maker... because I'm Vampire...."
Debbie: ** rolling her eyes** "Maybe she's trying to be nice "
Bill: " I doubt that. She must be still be upset about that neck twisting.....*sighs* Well that's neither here nor there"
Debbie: "Well I'll send you that Clot basket out tomorrow. That should cheer you up"
Bill: "Oh, Debbie, you're most thoughtful. "
Debbie: "Glad I could help. Anything else I can do for you this evening?"
Bill: " Well.. *giggling* only if... *snickering* ... Oh, I must behave...."
Debbie: ** lifting a pad of paper that reads " I have a perv on the phone" and showing it to the person in the cubicle next to her** ......."Yeah, Goodnight, Mr. Compton"
Bill: "Yes .. *breathing heavily* ... yes, yes..... indeeeeee..........
Click...
Friday, September 24, 2010
Bill calls Fangtasia .
Ring, Ring......
Dead pan female voice answers , "Fangtasia... It's always a bloody good time..."
Bill: "Yes, this is William B. Compton calling ... for ..ahhh... Eric Northman"
Pam: "Oh, Bat Boy...( breathes deeply) it's Pam. Please tell me you're calling about Eric's Phone"
Bill: Well, Pamela, this is matter that is between me and your... ahhh ..Maker. So put Mr. Northman on"
Pam: "Well Man Bangs.. (applying lipstick)... he's not here. So you..ahh ahh.. get me. Where's his phone?"
Bill: "I shall call later then"
Pam" No, you're gonna deal with me now. When Eric is out, I'm in charge. Where's his phone, Tight Pants?"
Bill: " I do not wish for your tone, Pamela. May I remind you.... I am * counting on his fingers and toes*....64.3 years older than you are and ..."
Pam: "Blah, Blah, shut the fuck up, Bleeeeh... Look I'm not afraid of you. You may be "older" but one kick to your little bat balls and you'll hit the floor like a drunken sorority girl. Now for the last time, where is Eric's phone?"
Bill: " Ahhhh.. I have it.. but I wish to present it to Eric myself. Mr. Northman and I have some business to discuss , "Mano a Mano".. You being a woman would not..."
Pam: "Would not what? Understand? Listen you fucking Edward Cullen wanna be... you're not EVEN worthy of licking my $3000 Gucci Boots. So... Don't you even go there!"
Bill:"Oh, Pamela, I believe I may have found your... ahhhh.. (giggling) weak spot... You see Pamela..."
Pam: "And who the hell do you think you are..... calling me, Pamela? No one and I mean NO One calls me Pamela'
Bill: "Oh, have I angered you, my dear...."
Pam: "Look asshole, you have an hour... oh, wait, you can't fly like Eric... let's make it 2 hours to get in that pretentious yuppie piece of shit BMW of yours and bring me that phone. You got it , Bleeeeeh???"
Bill: "No"
Pam: "Bat Boy, you're making this hard on yourself. I have a wooden bullet and a spray can of silver with your name on it"
Bill: "Where's Eric?"
Pam: "Out"
Bill: "Where, if I may ask?"
Pam: "Are you into S&M?"
Bill: "Excuse me?"
Pam: "Because you must like pain... if you really need to know... he and Sookie are on a double date"
Bill: (gasping)... that is most unusual... Sookie always wanted to double date with Tara and Sam or Jason and whatever slut he was banging... but neither cared to join us.... hmmm"
Pam: "Well that doesn't seem to be an issue with Eric. They're over at the Edgington's. Talbot's took a few cooking courses at the community college and wanted to have them over. It's like... their ... (smiling).. married..."
Bill: "Yes, Talbot and Russell are committed in marriage... it's been 700 years and all..."
Pam: "No, asshole, I'm talking about Eric and Sookie. Now time is a wasting... bring me that phone"
Bill:" Alright... ( sighing a bit ) ... I wonder if Talbot made those yummy chum balls with the O neagative... the are so ....
Pam: "Focus Bill.... phone....NOW"
Click
Bill: "Bitch"
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Bill Answering machine message #4
Beep.........
"Hey, Bat Boy...It's Eric.....I want my phone back "
"Hey, Bat Boy...It's Eric.....I want my phone back "
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Bill's answering machine continues.........Message #3
Message #2:
Beep........................
" Bill....It's Lorena ......ah, your maker....Why haven't you returned any of my calls....Okay, yeah, I'll try later......I love you my bloody southern fried grit.......
Beep........................
" Bill....It's Lorena ......ah, your maker....Why haven't you returned any of my calls....Okay, yeah, I'll try later......I love you my bloody southern fried grit.......
Bill calls Starbuck's customer service line......
Ring, Ring.......
Cheerful voice answers: "Hello and thank you for calling Starbucks Customer Service, Summer Rain speaking".
Bill: "Yes, Miss Rain this William H. Compton and I would like to speak with someone about my "True Blood Latte"".
Summer: "Certainly Mr. Compton, what can I do for you?"
Bill: "Well Miss Rain..."
Summer: "Summer , please.."
Bill: "Ah yes, Summer" (sounding a bit excited)..."Yesterday at your Establishment in Bon Temps , La. I order a....
Summer" I'm sorry Mr. Compton, which location?"
Bill: "Bon Temps"
Summer: "Yes, but which one? There are 4 in that town alone"
Bill: "Grace oh mighty.... 4? But Bon Temps only has 1500 people living there".
Summer: "Mr. Compton, a 5th one is scheduled to be opened in this fall inside a Piggly Wiggly"
Bill: "Oh, dear.... well you certainly can't stop progress. I remember when the indoor plumbing came into vogue........"
Summer: "Excuse me?"
Bill: "I'm sorry.... I'm Vampire"
Summer: "Oh, yeah True Blood Latte..right..what was that location again?"
Bill: "Ah, yes, on the corner of Spring Street and 4th"
Summer: "Got it , okay, so what was the concern with your latte"
Bill: "As I previously stated.. I'm vampire.."
Summer: "Yeah, I got that ... go on.."
Bill: "I prefer my True Blood latte to be half Type O negative and Half AB positive, extra hot. Well yesterday I was told that this would no longer be an option. I pleaded my case with your baristta, a fellow with a large numbers of tattoos and saucer like disks in his ears... as well your store manager, who seems to be about 15 years of age. Unlike that insipid Pam....( grunts)....who has trouble telling people's true age..(grunts again).....I have no trouble knowing someone's age. Well I can only say that I was not successful. Much like my civil war experience.....(sighing)"
Summer: "Well Mr. Compton, let me begin by saying how sorry I am that your experience was not a pleasant one...I do mean at Starbucks, though....Second, there really is no reason why this request could not be met"
Bill: "Yes, Summer I appreciate your most sincere apology. I must tell you that because I'm vampire, it was very difficult to keep my fangs to myself. It is very stressful, I must say"
Summer: "Well Mr. Compton, let me contact that location and explain to them this is a request can be be done. Plus I would love to be able to send you a gift card for your next visit. So if I could get your address, I can get these out to you in the mail"
Bill: "Now Summer that would be most delightful. My address is 1 Grey Sky Drive , Bon Temp, la 70000"
Summer: "Alright, I'll have those out to you this afternoon. Is there anything else I could help you with?"
Bill: "Well as matter of fact, I would like to pass on some suggestions to you,(giggling a bit) if I may?"
Summer " Yeah, of course"
Bill: " Since I'm vampire, I can not enjoy your delectable drinks and pastry like our human friends..ah.."
Summer: "Delectable treats?"
Bill: "I was thinking when you serve your True Blood latte, you should , ah, offer a shot of chum or human blood, like a shot of expersso, they way the humans enjoy".
Summer: "Expersso? Do you mean espresso? "
Bill: (laughing) "oh, pardon Moi.... Italian was not a language I mastered. Yes, espresso , my dear"
Summer "Chum shot? Human Blood? Really? "
Bill" Oh yes, that would be dele......... (breathing a bit heavy) Oh, yes, delectable.... indeed"
Summer: "Okay, Mr. Compton I will pass on your information to the correct department. Thank you for your call"
Bill: "Oh yes, Summer... it was (gasping a bit)... a delight my dear..."
**Click. Hang up**
Summer: "Freak"
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Bill's answering machine part 2
Beep........
"Mr. Compton, this is Billy Mac calling from Lafontaine Parrish BMW. We have that estimate you requested for repairs on your 328i. Not sure where to start. Just the blood stains alone..whoa.... plus did you have a pack of wolves in this car? I really think we need to set up a time to discuss the extensive repairs that would need to be done, just to get this car back on the road. Also I looked into that tracking system that you wanted set up. Yeah, my boss tells me that's..... kinda border line creepy. Plus we would need Miss... hang on.. Stackhouse's permission. We're open till 9pm tonight. Our number is 555-1256."
"Mr. Compton, this is Billy Mac calling from Lafontaine Parrish BMW. We have that estimate you requested for repairs on your 328i. Not sure where to start. Just the blood stains alone..whoa.... plus did you have a pack of wolves in this car? I really think we need to set up a time to discuss the extensive repairs that would need to be done, just to get this car back on the road. Also I looked into that tracking system that you wanted set up. Yeah, my boss tells me that's..... kinda border line creepy. Plus we would need Miss... hang on.. Stackhouse's permission. We're open till 9pm tonight. Our number is 555-1256."
Bill Compton's answering machine.......
** Please think of Bill's voice as a cross between Fog Horn Leg Horn and James Carville**
Ring, Ring, Ring..... "Ah, Hello, greetings and salutations, you have reached the ancestral home of William R. Compton. My apologizes that I am unavailable to except your most important call. If you would be so kind to leave me a brief but detailed message after the tone. I would be most honored to return your phone call...." beep......
Caller: "Yeah, Mr. Compton, this is Lola at Sunny Delight Cleaners. Your pants are ready for pick up. We got the excess blood stains and cat urine out. However our seamstress was not able to make the pants any tighter at this time. It appears the material hasn't been made since about the mid-1970's.If she were to rip it , we would not be able to replace your item. Also we can deliver your item after dark but that will be an extra $3.99 charge. Oh, please remember that we do NOT except confederate money. We ask that you NOT tip our driver with that funny money again. Our number again is 555-1636."
Monday, September 20, 2010
Welcome
If your finding this blog, welcome. I'm just getting started, so please be patient. If your dislike for True Blood's "Bill Compton" has brought you here, I like you already. I hope to provide you, the readers with some laughs as I begin to write my fan fiction... at "Bill's" expense of course.,
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